


See Me

by katbear



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-10-26
Updated: 2000-10-26
Packaged: 2017-10-21 14:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/226217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katbear/pseuds/katbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan finds that growing up is a little harder than he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See Me

**Author's Note:**

> Archive: MA, AO3  
> Category: Romance  
> Rating: PG  
> Pairing: Obi-Wan/other, Q/O (eventually)  
> Feedback: Appreciated.  
> Thanks: To the beta readers who encouraged me to fix the story  
> and post (Boots, Cynthia, Thallia, Claudia). All mistakes are  
> my own because I can't resist tweaking.  
> Warnings: If you don't like male-male relationships you are in  
> the wrong place, otherwise no warnings.  
> Spoilers: None, pre-TPM.  
> Disclaimer: The boys belong to George Lucas, I'm just playing with them.
> 
> ~ ~ Character internal thoughts

A dense gray fog seemed to fill his head, slowing his thoughts to  
a crawl. His stomach had been churning since the end of  
yesterday's class, suspecting the truth but hoping for a miracle.  
Today was the last session for all of his classes and in Advanced  
Comparative Philosophy the instructor, a wizened green reptilian  
Master, was shuffling around the room passing back papers, final  
exams and grades. As the datapadd with his dismal results hit  
his desktop with a dull click, Obi-Wan's whole world seemed to  
narrow to the small screen. He groaned inwardly as he stared at  
the final comments and scores and wondered just how he had  
managed to get himself in this mess. How could he possibly face  
his Master now after the promises he had made and the way he had  
acted? He remembered all too well the events of the last few  
months.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The familiar comfort of the main Temple library welcomed the  
young man back like an old friend. Obi-Wan found a chair at an  
empty table and spread out his datapadds. He and his Master had  
returned home only two days ago after a long series of almost  
back to back missions and the Council had given Master Jinn some  
temporary teaching and research duties in order to give them both  
some down time and allow his Padawan an opportunity to attend  
some mandatory classes. Obi-Wan had completed all of the  
prerequisite coursework well ahead of most of his agemates  
through earlier seminars, classes and a seemingly endless series  
of extension courses which he had worked on during missions.

Since several old friends had dropped in to visit Qui-Gon this  
evening, the apprentice had discreetly left for the library in  
order to give his Master a little privacy. After this first day  
of classes, Obi-Wan was looking through all of the syllabi to try  
to get a better idea of how to organize his work for the next few  
months. He had three courses, Advanced Comparative Philosophy,  
Level 6 Mathematics and Level 3 Astrophysics. He whistled  
silently as he began to calculate the amount of reading and  
homework he was going to have; he understood now why the Temple  
instructors insisted that some work must be done in residence.  
This was going to be an exceptionally challenging work load  
trying to take all three courses at once in addition to his other  
training. Although most of his own friends were offplanet on  
missions, he was also looking forward to the chance to work with  
other Padawans on some of the group assignments and to socialize  
with others in the Temple.

Obi-Wan's attention was distracted by laughter from a small group  
of Padawans at another table. The center of attention was a  
smiling young man, tall and muscular, whom Obi-Wan vaguely  
remembered seeing around the Temple and in some of his morning  
classes. He remembered that the Padawan was a humanoid from  
Grenverm, just short of his twenty-first year. The young man's  
bright red hair and dark green eyes made an eye-catching  
combination with his pale skin and heavily freckled nose. The  
group was just breaking up and, instead of following the others  
out, the Grenverman came over to Obi-Wan's table and sat down.

"Hi, name's Stravan," the redhead said with a big lopsided grin.  
"You're Obi-Wan Kenobi, aren't you? "

"Yes, I'm Obi-Wan. Pleased to meet you, Stravan," Obi-Wan  
replied.

"I haven't seen you around the Temple much, Kenobi. You're  
Master Jinn's apprentice, right? They say he's always out on  
missions."

"Correct on both counts," Obi-Wan smiled back. "The Council  
always seems to have a job for my Master. It's not all that bad,  
though, we've gotten to see a lot of interesting places."

"I'll bet you have. Look, I saw you in both the philosophy and  
astrophysics courses today, so does that mean you're going to be  
staying here at the Temple for the whole course?"

"That's what the Council said. They've given my Master some  
duties here on Coruscant for a couple of months but even if he  
gets called away I'll probably have to stay here until after  
final exams."

"That's great." Stravan leaned over and lightly touched Obi-  
Wan's arm. "Look, Obi-Wan, I know you haven't been around the  
Temple much, and with most of the people in class being a lot  
older you probably don't know most of us very well, but the word  
is that you're pretty sharp. We've got a small study group in  
Astrophysics, you know, getting together two or three times a  
week to go over problems and study for tests, and if you're  
interested we'd like you to join the group."

Obi-Wan felt flattered by the direct attention and sincere smile.  
"I'd like that, Stravan. It has been a while since I've had  
a chance to work with others and I've missed that. Just let me  
know when you meet and I'll try to be there."

"Wonderful. I know this will work out great," Stravan replied  
with a warm smile. He squeezed Obi-Wan's arm just a little  
harder, then got up to leave. "I'll let you know when our next  
session is."

A small frisson of excitement went through Obi-Wan at the older  
Padawan's touch and he found that he was anticipating his next  
meeting with his new acquaintance, but the only outward sign he  
showed was a small smile and nod as Stravan left.

* * * * * ** * * * * ** * * * * * * *

During that first tenday Obi-Wan began to develop a comfortable  
routine. His mornings were full from seventh to twelfth hour  
with his academic classes and his Master had scheduled a variety  
of physical training for the afternoons, including sparring with  
various types of weapons, hand to hand combat, and a series of  
new katas to learn. The astrophysics study group had met twice,  
starting right after evening meal for an hour or so to get  
acquainted and work out study strategies. Three times he ended  
up having lunch with Stravan and his friends and found himself  
increasingly attracted to the charming Padawan.

Although he enjoyed being back at the Temple, not everything was  
going well for the young Padawan. He found there were definitely  
disadvantages to having classmates who were mostly quite a bit  
older. Due to his reputation for being personable and bright, he  
had received various invitations for study or recreational  
activities but they tended to be for later at night and even for  
outside the Temple. Unfortunately, he found himself having to  
turn down many of the invitations. Although he was only a few  
months short of his eighteenth birthday, he still had the same  
curfews and restrictions he had had since his sixteenth birthday.  
Qui-Gon had been giving his apprentice more and more  
responsibility while they were on missions but it seemed that  
every time they returned to Coruscant they unconsciously fell  
into old familiar patterns of behavior. Obi-Wan loved his Master  
dearly in more ways than one and had been reluctant to bring it  
up in the press of all the important work in which they had been  
engaged, but Qui-Gon's oblivious assumptions were beginning to be  
more and more of an irritant.

Math class on eighthday brought yet another instance of what Obi-  
Wan was beginning to think of as a very inequitable situation.  
"Kenobi, what do you think of all this homework we've got for the  
weekend?" said Mreevish, a reptilian Padawan, as they were  
gathering their datapadds before leaving the classroom.

"Master Baaglor certainly believes in quantity," replied Obi-Wan  
with a smile. "I think he subscribes to the theory that  
repetition is the key to mastery."

"Some of us are going out clubbing tomorrow night as a break from  
homework. You want to come along?"

"I don't know. I would need to get permission from my Master to  
leave the Temple and be out late."

"Come on Mreev, why are you wasting time on him?" cut in another  
Padawan. "You know Kenobi has to be in bed early. He's not  
allowed out with the big boys yet." Laughter sounded from the  
back of the room.

Obi-Wan flushed as the offhand comment hit a nerve. On two  
recent missions the local authorities had decreed that Padawan  
Kenobi was too young to participate in the official  
deliberations. His Master had been apologetic but adamant that  
local customs be observed. Therefore, on one mission the young  
man had spent many long days sequestered in his room while on the  
other he had been reduced to serving as a babysitter for royal  
offspring and had heard too many similar comments from the large  
number of older royal progeny who partied nightly without him.

"That's all right, Mreevish. Thanks for the offer but I think  
I'll stay home this first weekend."

The older Padawan shrugged apologetically, a rippling motion that  
extended down his entire flexible backbone, and looked at his  
other classmates before nodding. "Well, see you around then."

* * * * * * ** * * * * * * * *

There were no classes on ninth or tenthday so most Padawans used  
the time for homework, research or relaxing. The astrophysics  
study group had agreed to meet after lunch on ninthday in one of  
the many Temple Gardens. It had been a pleasant day and the  
group had managed to work through the entire homework assignment,  
Obi-Wan contributing many of the more difficult answers. With an  
hour left until evening meal, the Padawans spent the time in a  
spirited discussion of the quirks and foibles of various  
instructors. They went to the dining hall together, and as they  
were leaving Stravan asked Obi-Wan to come back to Stravan's  
rooms to discuss some philosophy assignments.

The two young men stepped into the combined living and eating  
area together, then Stravan waved in the direction of the couch  
as he went to the compact kitchen for drinks.

"This is pretty nice, Stravan. This is all yours?"

"Yes. It's not very big and all of the furniture is of the  
generic hand-me-down variety, but it's all mine. My Master let  
me move out on my eighteenth birthday," Stravan said from the  
kitchen as he rummaged through the cooler. "I think it was one  
of those mutually satisfactory situations. Master Jugan spends a  
lot of his time working on chemical experiments and researching  
mining operations, looking for better ways to find and use  
crystals. When I left he got an extra room for his work and I  
got to get away from those awful smells he was always cooking  
up." Stravan brought cold fruit drinks and snacks over to the  
low table in front of the couch where his philosophy datapadds  
were lying.

"If you're in separate quarters, do you see much of your Master  
during the week?" asked Obi-Wan curiously.

"Actually we really don't need to see each other that much. We  
get together to talk about what classes and training sessions I  
need to take and he looks at all the progress reports, of course.  
Master Jugan is pretty old, though, so I don't take any of the  
physical or combat training from him. It's not that big a deal,"  
he shrugged dismissively. "And about the only kind of missions  
we ever go on are to inspect mining or chemical operations for  
different groups. We don't get to do the exciting things like  
I've heard you get to do."

"A lot of what my Master and I do is actually pretty boring, lots  
of meetings really," replied Obi-Wan noncommittally, who then  
turned the conversation back to the philosophy readings. "Have  
you had a chance to look at those first two books Master Zhkarn  
assigned? I didn't know they had philosophers that long ago!"

The next few hours passed quickly as they got into a spirited and  
occasionally humorous discussion of old Jedi philosophers and  
some of their ideas. Stravan proved to be adept at skimming the  
materials and a quick study at picking up major concepts. Obi-Wan  
needed more time to finish the reading but had spent more time  
studying the material and had a better grasp of the details.  
Eventually they tired of philosophy, though, and Stravan plied  
the younger man for details of Obi-Wan's roles in some of his  
more exciting missions. After some initial self-consciousness,  
since he tended toward a natural reticence and his Master  
strongly discouraged bragging, Obi-Wan was happy to comply.

"Then, of course, it was just a matter of getting the princess  
back to the palace and turning the kidnappers over to the local  
authorities," said Obi-Wan, finishing a tale about a disrupted  
negotiation in which he had played a modest but important role in  
finding clues to a stolen princess's location.

"That is wonderful, Obi-Wan. Your Master must be very proud of  
the work you do on those missions," said Stravan admiringly.

"Well, I just try to do my part. That's what the training is  
for, after all."

"But really, when you look at what you've done and some of the  
places you've been, I know a lot of *Knights* who haven't done or  
seen as much as you have."

"A lot of what I do is just supporting my Master. He's done a  
lot of very important work for the Council and the Senate."

"I think you are far too modest, Padawan Kenobi," Stravan said  
firmly as he moved closer to Obi-Wan. "And I also think you are  
a quite remarkable person." Leaning in even closer, he ran one  
hand lightly up Obi-Wan's arm, letting it rest on his shoulder,  
then lightly kissed Obi-Wan's lips, leaving it to the younger man  
to either pull back or continue.

By that time Obi-Wan was feeling very warm and happy from his  
companion's stream of interest and compliments and he  
enthusiastically returned the kiss, putting one hand behind  
Stravan's head to pull him closer.

After a few minutes both young men broke the kiss, breathing  
heavily, leaving their arms and hands touching. Finally, Obi-Wan  
spoke, "Uh, I've got to get back to my quarters pretty soon, you  
know."

"Well, all right, if you have to," Stravan replied quietly, not  
willing to push hard at this point.

Obi-Wan stood up and gathered his datapadds. The two young men  
walked slowly to the door and stood just inside the door  
awkwardly for a moment.

"If you want, I'd like to see you tomorrow after lunch to finish  
the rest of the philosophy questions," said Obi-Wan quietly.

"I'd like that a lot," Stravan replied as he leaned in for  
another kiss, tongues barely touching lips, laying down promises  
for the future.

They broke apart again, faces flushed and breathing fast. Obi-  
Wan said a quick good-bye, then headed swiftly back down the long  
corridors to the quarters he shared with his Master, looking  
forward with anticipation to getting to know his new friend much  
better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *

The two Padawans leaned against the comforting bulk of the old  
tree, almost somnolent in the late afternoon warmth. The  
philosophy review finished, their conversation had turned  
desultory and was slowly dying. Stravan reached to take the  
younger man's hand, slowly raising it to lightly kiss the palm.

"Uh, Stravan ..." Obi-Wan said hesitantly.

"hmmm?"

"I think we need to talk about a few things."

"Sure. What would you like to talk about?" Stravan rubbed his  
thumb across the palm of the hand he had captured, a hand which  
Obi-Wan was making no effort to pull back.

"Well, I like you, you've been a real friend since I've been back  
at the Temple."

"That's good, because I like you a lot. I know you don't care to  
talk about yourself, but I know how hard some of the things  
you've done are and I think you're quite a man." Obi-Wan didn't  
miss the slight emphasis on 'man'.

Flushing a little, Obi-Wan replied, "Thanks, but I don't want to  
mislead you about ... what we might have. I don't want to get  
involved in anything permanent and I thought you should know that  
before we go any further."

"That's all right, and I appreciate the fact that you're being  
upfront about it. That's one of the things I like about you,  
you're very honest with people. I'm willing to settle for being  
friends, but I think we could be very good friends, if you know  
what I mean." Stravan moved closer so their shoulders were  
touching.

"'Friends' is good, I'd like that," Obi-Wan replied.

Stravan paused to kiss Obi-Wan's hand once more before continuing  
cautiously, "Look, I don't want to step on any toes, but, uh, is  
it true what they say about you still having a thing for your  
Master?"

Now blushing furiously and pushing away to stand up, Obi-Wan  
mumbled incoherently about " ... doesn't know ... private ..."

Holding up both hands in mock surrender, Stravan said, "Hey, it's  
all right with me, a lot of people think Jinn is pretty hot, and  
I just wanted to make sure I didn't step in somewhere I  
shouldn't. No hard feelings?"

Obi-Wan looked down indecisively for a moment, then quirked a  
half smile. "Sure, I guess I overreacted a little." He snorted  
deprecatingly, "It's not like anything's ever going ever to come  
of it, he doesn't seem to ever take me very seriously. Anyway,  
forget about it, it's not something I like to talk about."

Stravan scrambled to his feet and held out a hand. "No offense  
meant or taken, Obi-Wan. Still friends?"

"Still friends!" Obi-Wan shook Stravan's hand, then pulled him in  
for a quick kiss. "I've still got math homework tonight, but  
maybe we could get together again to work on philosophy?"

"Of course, and don't forget the astrophysics study group. Maybe  
we could even do something next weekend."

"Right. Well, see you in class tomorrow."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *

Obi-Wan yawned, then leaned back in his chair and stretched,  
feeling bones pop. He glanced at the library wallchrono, then  
began gathering his datapadds. The study session had started  
late and was running longer now that their astrophysics  
instructor had started giving a full load of homework.

"Time for me to head back," he said to the rest of the study  
group.

"Oh, come on, it's not that late and we've still got four more  
problems to go over."

Obi-Wan grinned as he stuffed the last of his notes into his bag,  
"Hey, gotta be back before curfew, you know."

"You've still got a curfew this early? I don't have to be back  
for another two hours," said Leenro, a felinoid Padawan from the  
Astrophysics class. He was echoed by several others who had  
later curfews.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I didn't realize that your Master keeps you  
on such a short leash, I guess. I haven't had a curfew since I  
was seventeen and you know my Master let me have my own quarters  
when I turned eighteen," added Stravan.

Obi-Wan was still rather anxious to make a good impression on his  
new friend. "My Master gives me a lot of responsibility,  
especially when we're on missions," retorted Obi-Wan. "He lets  
me have late leave pretty much whenever I ask, too. He just  
worries about me keeping up with my classes plus all the other  
work we do."

"Yeah, but the point is you have to *ask* to go anywhere,"  
interjected Leenro. "My Master trusts me to get my work done and  
manage my own time. Sounds to me like he's still treating you  
like a junior Padawan."

"Hey, look, it's not that a big a deal to me. I just assumed  
that when I turn eighteen in a few months he'll loosen up."

"I think you're dreaming, Kenobi," put in one of the others.  
"I've seen the way he treats you in dining hall. He looks at you  
like you're hardly there and I heard him the other day telling  
one of the other Masters you were going out to study with your  
other `little friends'," he snickered.

"Yeah, Kenobi," said Florjhell, an avian Padawan with a bright  
yellow crest. "He acts like you're still fifteen or something.  
Does he even have a clue what you've really been doing on those  
`late leaves' he so graciously grants? I've heard that you're  
not exactly 'inexperienced'."

Obi-Wan blushed furiously. "We, uh, don't talk much about stuff  
like that."

"I'll bet you never talk about it," said Leenro, waving his tail  
airily. "Force, man, half the Temple knows you're still dying to  
get his gorgeous ass in bed even though he gave you the standard  
brushoff almost two years ago, but I'll bet he still thinks  
you're a virgin. Come on, tell us, does he even have a clue how  
many Padawans you've screwed since then?"

Obi-Wan felt the blush burning hotter as he stood up and gathered  
the remaining shreds of his dignity. "My Master doesn't pry into  
my private business," he huffed as he turned around to leave.  
The barely muted snickers and whispers of "Poor little Kenobi"  
followed him as he forced himself to walk instead of run out of  
the library. Worst of all was the look of pity he saw on  
Stravan's face as he half rose to follow before several of the  
other Padawans claimed his attention and drew him back.

He was fuming inside as he walked through the Temple back to the  
quarters he shared with his Master. Until recently he had not  
been on Coruscant long enough to take anything other than short  
seminars, and the restrictions on his activities had not really  
been an issue. Most of those seminars and now all of his current  
classes were with the eighteen to twenty-one year old Padawans  
though and he was getting both frustrated and hurt by the gibes  
and pity from other Padawans. It was only the second tenday of  
the new course term and there had already been several incidents  
and behind-his-back comments. Tonight's incident was  
particularly humiliating because not only had he thought the  
study group members were his friends but it had happened in front  
of Stravan. ~I really don't mind a curfew and my Master being  
interested in where I'm at. After all, he is still responsible  
for me. I just wish he'd see me as what I am instead of that  
child who's been hanging off the back of his cloak all these  
years. I certainly haven't felt like that boy in a long time.~

Obi-Wan's even strides through the halls and his neutral  
expression belied the growing turmoil inside. ~I'm almost  
eighteen, Force take it. I've worked very hard for that man,  
done and seen more on missions than half the people in this  
Temple, kept silent about my feelings for him even when it hurt  
so much I wanted to scream. I'm perfectly capable of being  
responsible if he'd ever give me a chance. Other people can see  
that, why can't my own Master?~

By the time he reached his doorway Obi-Wan had dredged up every  
real or imagined slight in the last six months and had worked  
himself into a truly foul fit of temper and self pity. It was  
ten minutes past his curfew when he walked in, slammed his bag  
down on the table and went to the small kitchen for a cold drink.

"You're late, Obi-Wan. You know I have asked you before to be in  
early on school nights," said Qui-Gon absently from his place at  
the terminal, not even looking up from the report he was writing.

"Yeah, right, whatever," Obi-Wan muttered as he poured juice.

Qui-Gon blinked and looked up, his attention still half on his  
report, "Is something wrong, Padawan?"

"Of course not, why would anything be wrong, *Master*," Obi-Wan  
drawled sarcastically.

"Padawan, I don't believe I like your tone. If there is a  
problem, then let me know so we can resolve it," Qui-Gon replied  
mildly as he sat back in his chair, now fully focused on his  
apprentice.

"That's just great. Fine, let's have one of those little Master-  
Padawan chats so big Master can make everything all right and pat  
little Padawan on the head and send him to bed. Well, I've  
gotten really fed up with all that."

"Padawan, I don't know what you are talking about but I do know  
you will be more respectful in your attitude, young man." Qui-  
Gon stood up and watched his apprentice begin pacing.

"Young man, right, that's a really good one, coming from you.  
You want to know what the problem is, *Master*, I'll tell you  
what the problem is," said Obi-Wan, his voice beginning to rise.  
"I'm tired of the way you've been treating me, always wanting to  
know where I've been, what I'm doing, who I'm seeing and what I'm  
thinking. Most of my friends laugh at me because I've had the  
same curfew since I was sixteen and I practically can't even take  
a leak without your permission."

"Now you're being melodramatic. If this is about your curfew,  
I'm sure we can make some reasonable adjustments. After all, I  
suppose you are getting older, Padawan."

Obi-Wan was practically screaming in frustration. "You just  
don't get it at all, do you? This isn't about some stupid  
curfew, it's about you and me. I'm good enough to go on  
missions, to fight with you, to bleed for you, I work harder than  
almost anyone else I know to learn as much as I can and keep high  
grades in my classes with hardly an acknowledgement from you, but  
when we're here in Temple you still treat me the same way you've  
been treating me for years. Everyone knows it but you, everyone  
sees it but you."

"You will keep your voice down and a civil tongue in your head,  
Padawan," Qui-Gon replied tightly, his voice betraying his  
attempt to control his anger as his hands clenched at his sides.

Obi-Wan stomped over to stand directly in front of his Master.  
"When was the last time you really looked at me and *saw* me?" he  
asked hotly. "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, you  
still treat me like that clumsy little boy who couldn't find his  
own dick with two hands. Well, I've got news for you, old man,  
while you weren't looking I've been doing a lot of growing up and  
I'm tired of the way you treat me and I'm tired of being taken  
for granted."

"If you are so grown up, Padawan, then show proper respect and we  
will discuss this in a civilized manner," Qui-Gon responded  
coldly, still keeping his temper tightly in check.

"Oh, that's the best one yet," Obi-Wan shouted bitterly, his  
temper and control now completely lost. "Respect and obedience,  
that's what you want, right? Well, how come respect is such a one  
way street? You won't see me for what I am and you certainly  
don't show any respect for what I am that I can see. Maybe it's  
true what they say, if this is how you treated your last Padawan,  
maybe it really is your fault he turned if he was as disgusted  
with you as I "

Obi-Wan's breath left him explosively as he found himself Force  
flung against the wall. Qui-Gon stalked up to him, face white  
and mouth set in a tight line. "How dare you," the Master  
whispered. "How dare you speak of things you know nothing  
about?"

Hot anger was replaced with icy fear as Obi-Wan realized how far  
over the line he had gone. "Master, I'm sor -"

Qui-Gon cut him off. "Be silent."

Obi-Wan, still in the Force hold against the wall, tried to  
regain his breath and watched in trepidation as his Master  
obviously fought to control his anger. Qui-Gon's jaw was tightly  
shut, his eyes closed and his hands rapidly clenched and  
unclenched. After a few minutes and several deep, slow breaths,  
Qui-Gon slowly relaxed and released the Force hold, allowing Obi-  
Wan to drop the few inches to the floor.

"We will discuss this tomorrow, Padawan. I don't believe either  
of us is in an appropriate frame of mind to have a productive  
conversation. Please go to your room and meditate," Qui-Gon said  
quietly.

"Master ..."

Obi-Wan's reply died on his lips as he saw the pain and anger  
still pooled in the dark blue eyes. He bowed, grabbed his bag  
from the table and slunk silently into his room.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was a very long and miserable night for the young man. Obi-  
Wan's attempts to meditate were spectacularly unsuccessful, each  
try turning into a vicious circle of self-recrimination. At  
midnight he crept out to use the fresher and saw that the lights  
were still on in his Master's room. Regaining the safety of his  
own room, he spent a restless night condemning himself for ten  
kinds of an idiot, wondering what in the seven hells had  
possessed him to lose his temper and say such incredibly stupid  
things and which particularly evil god had made him throw his  
former apprentice's failure in his Master's face. He thought  
about all the times his Master had helped him, supported him,  
taught him - Force, the man had almost died saving his sorry  
worthless skin on several missions and here he was, ranting like  
a lunatic and throwing hurtful words at him. For a long time  
there was still an underlying kernel of anger to his mood but he  
cringed when he thought of all the terrible things he had said to  
his Master; how was he supposed to convince the man he was  
growing up when he stomped around like a petulant little boy and  
yelled crude and spiteful things at him.

After berating himself for several hours, he finally admitted the  
truth and what he was actually most afraid of; if he couldn't  
prove to Qui-Gon that his Padawan was a responsible adult, he  
would never be able to get Qui-Gon to take his feelings  
seriously. He knew he had long since gotten over the hero  
worship and infatuation he had felt for his master when he was  
fifteen. After being gently but very firmly rebuffed on his  
sixteenth birthday he had never said another word about his  
feelings to his Master, but instead of dying a natural death his  
feelings had continued to grow. After becoming discreetly  
sexually active with a limited number of carefully selected  
partners, he had been embarrassed on more than one occasion by  
moaning his Master's name when he climaxed. Obi-Wan was a  
considerate and kindly young man and he made it clear to  
prospective partners that there would be nothing permanent, as he  
had done with Stravan. He was also an amiable and good-natured  
young man, though, and never wanted for offers of partners  
willing to share a short term relationship or teach him new  
techniques which he carefully added to the repertoire he intended  
to use some day to pleasure his longed-for lover. Some of his  
partners even found it rather charming that Obi-Wan still  
harbored what they mostly felt was a hopelessly romantic  
attachment for his legendary Master.

~I really blew it this time, I guess. Qui-Gon probably thinks  
I'm just an incredibly ungrateful, disrespectful jerk. At this  
rate I won't be able to get him to take me seriously until after  
I'm Knighted. And if I keep making mistakes like this, it's  
going to be an awfully long time before I can even think about  
being allowed to take my Trials.~

Obi-Wan groaned as he saw the bars of early light splash on his  
wall. He thought for a moment about pulling the blankets over  
his head and hiding in bed until just before he had to leave for  
class but he knew his Master would come in and haul him out of  
bed if he didn't show up on his own pretty soon. He sighed and  
threw the covers back. He made it to the fresher for a shower  
and back to his room without encountering Qui-Gon. As he was  
dressing he heard noises out in the common area indicating his  
Master was up and about. Obi-Wan checked himself out in the  
mirror on the back of his door to ensure he was fully presentable  
before venturing out.

~Oh well, may as well get this over with~ he grimaced. ~I'll  
be lucky if I'm grounded for anything less than six months. I'm  
really, really glad he doesn't believe in using a cane like some  
of the other Masters do or I probably wouldn't be sitting down  
for weeks.~

Stepping out into the common area, Obi-Wan saw that his Master  
was seated at the table sipping a cup of tea. He tried a gentle  
probe to find out how mad the man was, but his Master was tightly  
shielded. He swallowed hard, then went to kneel beside Qui-Gon,  
waiting patiently until his Master decided to acknowledge his  
presence.

Qui-Gon finished his cup of tea in silence. Finally, he looked  
down and said coolly, "Yes, Padawan?"

Obi-Wan bowed very low and touched his forehead to the floor.  
"Master, I would like to apologize for my behavior last night. I  
was rude and disrespectful and very much out of line. I would  
like to especially apologize for what I said about your other  
Padawan. I was totally wrong and I am very, very sorry, Master.  
Please, Master, I beg for your forgiveness."

The Master Jedi looked down at his Padawan for several moments.  
Obi-Wan felt a brief touch along the training bond and opened his  
own shields wide so his Master could see that his repentance was  
sincere and how truly miserable he felt about the whole thing.  
"Your apology is accepted, Padawan. For the next ten days your  
punishment will be two hours a day of meditations on anger and  
respect and two hours a day of kitchen duty. For the twenty days  
following that, you will assist with the creche and Initiates for  
two hours a day. You will also write a paper of at least twelve  
pages on the rights and responsibilities of adulthood."

"Yes, Master. Thank you, Master."

"Please get up and sit at the table. There are things we need to  
discuss, Padawan."

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan quickly got up and sat down at the table  
across from his Master, hands folded in his lap and eyes fixed on  
the surface of the table. He was surprised and grateful for the  
leniency of the punishment and was not about to say anything that  
might get him in further trouble.

An uncomfortable silence stretched for several minutes as Qui-Gon  
stared at his apprentice and Obi-Wan stared at the table top.

"Padawan," Qui-Gon finally said quietly.

"Yes, Master?"

"While your manner of presentation was regrettable, you had a  
valid point to make last night."

Obi-Wan looked up and blushed. "Master, it's all right, I was  
angry and I didn't really mean all that ..."

"No, Obi-Wan, it's not all right. You are almost eighteen,  
Padawan. You *have* been growing up, and, to be honest, I have  
not been paying attention as I should have. I apologize for that  
oversight. You are quite right that you have acted very  
responsibly on our missions and have done excellent work both on  
missions and in your training here. Despite that, I now realize  
that I have tended to take you for granted when we are here in  
Temple. Obviously you have been feeling some frustration with  
the situation and I can't say I blame you. Growing up is  
difficult enough without having to deal with such an obtuse  
Master." Qui-Gon gave a small half-smile.

By now Obi-Wan's ears were burning bright red. "Master, please,  
you've been a very good Master, really, everything is all right,  
I'm sorry I said those hateful things last night ..." He could  
feel himself starting to babble.

Qui-Gon held up a hand. "Padawan. You have earned the right to  
have more freedom, more control of your own time, and it is my  
fault for not realizing this earlier. We have an excellent  
opportunity now because we will mostly be in Temple the next few  
months while you get caught up on classes and training. I would  
like to discuss some basic ground rules with you right now."

The apprentice stared uncomprehendingly a moment before he  
remembered to answer. "Yes, Master." Obi-Wan still wasn't quite  
certain about what he was hearing, since this was so totally  
unexpected and his focus up to now had been primarily on not  
upsetting his Master any further. Could this really be  
happening?

"On your current schedule, during the week you have three  
classes in the mornings; these are very important because they  
are all mandatory classes. In the afternoons you have various  
training sessions such as lightsaber and hand to hand. I am  
going to remove your current curfew restrictions and on weekends  
you may leave the Temple for up to 24 hours without prior  
permission. I am not going to check on your activities or your  
homework unless you request help or one of your instructors tells  
me there is a problem. In return, I expect you to manage your  
affairs so that you continue to do well in all of your classes  
and training and, of course, conduct yourself appropriately. I  
shall judge your success in this experiment by the results you  
produce. I also require that we shall both have a joint calendar  
on the computer, keep each other informed of where we expect to  
be and carry our commlinks in case one of us needs to find the  
other for an emergency or a sudden change of plans such as a new  
mission. I believe this is quite reasonable, don't you,  
Padawan?" Qui-Gon looked at his bemused apprentice. "Padawan?  
I asked if you think this is a reasonable arrangement?"

At this point Obi-Wan was in such a daze he probably would have  
agreed that parading naked through the dining hall every  
lunchtime was an eminently reasonable trade for dropping the  
curfew. He shook himself and looked up at Qui-Gon, noting  
absently that his Master's eyes looked as bloodshot as his own  
felt after his sleepless night. "Uh, yes, Master, that's, uh,  
very reasonable, very reasonable indeed, yes, sir."

Obi-Wan straightened up and did his best to look serious and  
responsible as he and his Master finished discussing the ground  
rules for their new relationship, nodding gravely in the right  
places and asking a few questions to show he was paying  
attention. When they were finished, he stood up and bowed,  
thanking his Master. If he thought he saw a tinge of sadness in  
his Master's answering smile, he kept it to himself as he went to  
finish preparing for his day's activities, still not fully  
believing in his new status.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Hey Kenobi," a voice yelled. "Hey, wait up a minute."

Obi-Wan looked around, then grinned when he saw Stravan's  
distinctive red braid bouncing as he trotted over.

"Look, Obi-Wan, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I hope  
you weren't bothered by anything those idiots said last night,"  
said Stravan. "You know how people just sort of talk, and, well,  
I was worried because you haven't said a word to anybody all  
morning."

"No, I'm fine. I'd really like to talk to you but I've got to  
take care of something first. How about if we meet in the dining  
hall for lunch in fifteen minutes, say, over by the tall windows  
in the back corner?"

"That'll be great. See you there."

Obi-Wan detoured around to the Temple's kitchen staff office. He  
found that his Master had already sent a request to the chief  
administrator for the extra duty hours but was pleasantly  
surprised to find that no particular shift had been requested.  
Of course, with his schedule there really weren't very many  
realistic choices so he opted for the early morning. He knew he  
would probably regret it later when he had to get up before dawn  
but at least it would get the work over with before his first  
class and he could probably snag some goodies from the early  
baking. Feeling a little bit of buzz from this first evidence  
that his Master really had cut him loose, he went through the  
kitchen to the dining hall to get a lunch tray and join his  
friend.

Stravan was already eating by the time Obi-Wan got through the  
line. Sliding in beside his friend, Obi-Wan gave him a friendly  
poke in the ribs and a big grin.

"Listen, I have had just the most incredible things happen since  
I left the library last night," said Obi-Wan excitedly.

"Well, give it up. You've been acting like you were on some  
other planet all morning," his friend replied.

Obi-Wan proceeded to tell Stravan at great length about what an  
ass he had made of himself the night before and the incredible  
news he had gotten from his Master that morning. The other  
Padawan made properly appreciative noises at the right times but  
hardly got a word in, so excited was Obi-Wan. Before they knew  
it lunch was over and it was time to go to their next training  
session but they agreed to meet that evening at the library.

The next month proved to be a taxing introduction to the delights  
and hazards of freedom for Obi-Wan. As he had forecast that  
first night, all three of his classes were very demanding, with  
an especially heavy reading load in his Philosophy class. His  
Master gave him no slack at all in their afternoon training and  
the extra punishment hours early in the month left him very  
little extra time for himself initially. An added distraction  
was his growing friendship with Stravan; they continued to see  
more and more of each other and had tentatively agreed to join a  
group of their friends for a night out to celebrate after midterm  
tests in their classes were over. Obi-Wan had never minded  
working hard but he was finding that it was sometimes very easy  
to lose track of time and he had to start prioritizing his  
activities. More and more often it tended to be sleep and  
Philosophy, which both he and Stravan had come to dislike, which  
ended up low on his list. His Master, however, was true to his  
word and never said anything no matter what time his apprentice  
came in and did not fuss at him about his homework. Occasionally  
Obi-Wan would admit to himself missing his Master's concerned  
queries and comforting presence in the evenings but his long  
practice in subordinating his feelings for his Master combined  
with the continuing stream of positive attention that Stravan  
laved on him resulted in those moments growing fewer and fewer as  
time went on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The morning light tickled his eyelids as Obi-Wan slowly climbed  
up the chasm of unconsciousness. A long, slow stretch was  
followed by a jaw-popping yawn. He glanced at the chrono and  
froze in horror. ~Oh Force, the Philosophy test started five  
minutes ago~ he groaned as he flung himself out of the bed and  
started scrambling for clothes. Stopping only to use the  
fresher, he threw on his clothes then trotted through the  
hallways toward his classroom, vaguely remembering that he and  
Stravan had been studying the previous night. Somehow the study  
session had wandered off into other, more pleasant topics, and  
the next thing he knew they were kissing and it was well past  
midnight. He groaned again to himself as he reached the  
classroom and slid into his seat, noting the waiting datapadd  
with the test questions. ~I've got to start getting more sleep.  
How does Stravan manage this, anyway?~ he thought to himself  
with irritation as he noted his friend's chipper appearance.

Obi-Wan's day didn't get much better from that point. He didn't  
quite finish the last two questions on his philosophy test and  
felt uncomfortable with his answers on several others. In his  
math class they got their earlier tests back; although Obi-Wan  
himself had done fairly well, the class as a whole did not, so  
the instructor assigned much more homework than usual for the two  
day weekend. In astrophysics they also got their midterm test  
results and Obi-Wan was disgusted with himself when he found that  
he had missed three major questions due to some relatively simple  
mistakes in math and setting up the problems. After lunch his  
basic workouts went fairly well but he continued to have problems  
properly executing two new katas that he had been working on for  
almost two weeks. He could tell that his Master was irritated at  
his lack of progress but it was not until he flubbed one for the  
fifth time that Qui-Gon finally told him to go away, rest and  
return at twentieth hour. Obi-Wan started to protest that he  
still had to put in two hours with the Initiates that evening but  
the look on his Master's face told him that was a fight he had no  
chance of winning. In his last night of extra duty, it seemed  
that he got all of the whiniest batch of eight year old Initiates  
to watch over, and his abruptness with them earned him an extra  
fifteen minute lecture from the creche Master on the importance  
of patience and being a role model. Of course that made him  
late for his Master's training session, and, after two hours of  
increasing frustration with Obi-Wan's inability to focus, Qui-Gon  
turned away in barely disguised disgust and told him he would  
have to forego some of his personal time and come back tomorrow  
after lunch. Obi-Wan clamped down on his anger and merely bowed  
silently before heading out back to their quarters for a quick  
shower and change of clothing.

Obi-Wan was still angry as he strode down the hallways to what he  
had recently come to think of as the sanctuary of Stravan's room.  
He rang the door chime and entered to find his friend sprawled on  
the common room floor amidst jumbled heaps of Philosophy reading  
and Astrophysics texts, clad only in a pair of old leggings.  
Obi-Wan went to the small kitchen and helped himself to a cold  
drink.

Stravan sat up against the battered old couch and raised an  
eyebrow quizzically as Obi-Wan came back to the common area and  
kicked his boots off viciously into a corner. "You look like  
you've had a day from a dark dream, Obi-Wan. Come sit down and  
tell me about it."

That was all the invitation Obi-Wan needed as he flung himself  
down and began to vent his irritation and anger at the world,  
himself and heartless Jedi Masters. His friend sympathetically  
agreed with everything and allowed as to how he too had  
frequently found Jedi Masters to be cruel bastards, his own not  
excluded, whose main purpose in life was clearly the harassment  
of innocent Padawans. By the time Obi-Wan's rant started to run  
out of steam he found that he had somehow shed his belt, tunic  
and undertunic, and Stravan was providing very welcome comfort by  
gently massaging the kinks out of his tight back and shoulder  
muscles. Obi-Wan had a fleeting regret the strong, nimble-  
fingered hands did not belong to someone else before he gave  
himself over to simple physical pleasure. They kissed and petted  
lazily for a while until Obi-Wan was fully relaxed. He let  
Stravan take the lead in divesting both young men of their  
remaining clothes and noted with a certain detachment that the  
pale muscular body sported large quantities of freckles in a lot  
more interesting places than just his friend's nose. That  
thought was soon lost as hands and mouths found mutual  
satisfaction with two hard cocks and before the night was too  
much older both had found pleasure in each other's body for the  
first time.

The next morning, Obi-Wan woke to a satisfying soreness in his  
ass and a skilled mouth bringing his already hard penis to a  
pleasant climax. After he returned the favor, both young men  
kissed and touched for a while until other bodily needs drove  
them to the fresher. Obi-Wan used Stravan's terminal to access  
his own account and let his Master know he would be spending the  
morning with Stravan. After masturbating each other in a  
satisfying joint shower, the two naked Padawans rummaged in the  
kitchen for food, then settled in to work on their Astrophysics  
homework. Neither minded that they had gotten in more kissing  
than completed problems by the time Obi-Wan's growling stomach  
reluctantly prodded them both into getting dressed for a trip to  
the dining hall. After lunch, Obi-Wan was still so relaxed from  
the night's activities that he had no trouble focusing on the new  
katas and, to his Master's surprise, blithely breezed through  
both of them in less than an hour. Having met the required  
objective, Qui-Gon released his Padawan for the rest of the  
weekend with a vague reminder about getting in some homework as  
well as pleasure. Obi-Wan grinned and waved on his way out the  
door but his mind was so busy anticipating the pleasures of the  
coming night out that he was totally oblivious to the odd look  
his Master gave him.

After his first day back to class, Obi-Wan was still feeling a  
touch of leftover euphoria from the rest of his highly  
satisfactory weekend. After a night out with their friends, he  
and Stravan had returned to the older Padawan's quarters and  
explored more ways to satisfy each other. Stravan had proved to  
be a skilled and aggressive lover and Obi-Wan eagerly returned  
the passion. They had agreed though, that during the week they  
needed to get caught up with their class work, so after returning  
from evening meal at the dining hall Obi-Wan was gathering his  
materials to go to the library. He heard his Master call him as  
he was almost out the door.

"Obi-Wan, please wait a minute. There is something we need to  
discuss."

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied as he went to sit the table.

Qui-Gon left his place at the terminal and went to sit across  
from his apprentice. He hesitated a moment as if unsure of how  
to start. "Obi-Wan, I received a message today from Master  
Zhkarn, your Philosophy teacher."

"Yes, Master?" Obi-Wan answered politely, dinner sitting  
uneasily in his stomach as he remembered the less than sterling  
results he had gotten back on the Philosophy midterm that  
morning.

"Master Zhkarn was concerned about your results on the test and  
also about your participation in class, particularly given how  
good your grades have been in the past. He feels that perhaps  
you are not entirely keeping up with the reading and also asked  
me to remind you that the paper that is due before the end of  
term is an important part of your grade." Qui-Gon steepled his  
fingers and looked at his apprentice. "Obviously I am concerned  
if you are not doing well, Padawan. Is there a problem I can  
help you with?"

"No, Master. I just got a little behind in a few things. I will  
take care of it," Obi-Wan replied.

"Are you sure?" Qui-Gon asked anxiously. "I know we agreed that  
your time was yours to manage, but we hardly seem to see each  
other or talk any more except in your training sessions. I have  
to mention that I can't help noticing that you are spending a lot  
of your time with your friend Stravan."

"We have two classes together and do a lot of homework together.  
Is there something wrong with that?" Obi-Wan snapped back  
defensively without thinking.

"No, of course not," said Qui-Gon, appearing a bit taken aback by  
the vehemence of the response. "I just want what is best for  
you, that is all."

"Yes, Master. I will take care of the homework and the paper. I  
apologize that you were inconvenienced by Master Zhkarn. Is  
there anything else?" replied the Padawan frostily.

"Obi-Wan, I just ..." Qui-Gon hesitantly responded. His  
shoulders slumped a bit as he looked down at the table, then back  
at his apprentice before continuing softly, "You know that you  
can talk to me anytime and I will do my best to help you."

"Yes, Master," said the Padawan, sitting silently with eyes  
straight ahead and jaw set stubbornly as he waited for his Master  
to continue.

Finally Qui-Gon sighed dispiritedly. "Thank you, Padawan. That  
is all I wanted to talk about. I will trust you to take care of  
the situation."

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He rose and bowed slightly, then  
left for the library, oblivious to the blue eyes that silently  
followed his progress out the door.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sitting in the library, Obi-Wan found that he was having much  
more trouble than normal concentrating. After a few hours he  
finally gave up and tried to figure out what was bothering him.  
He kept replaying the earlier conversation with his Master and  
realized that he felt very uncomfortable with the way it had  
gone. Normally Obi-Wan kept his love for his Master securely  
locked away, taking it out rarely and only in private to cherish  
and to dream of future possibilities, but the relatively minor  
conflict had jarred him more than he thought. On the one hand,  
he loved his Master, but tonight he had felt like his Master was  
disrespectful of the terms of their agreement. Qui-Gon had  
*promised* to let him take care of things himself, Force take it,  
and then he had to go dragging Stravan into things. The midterm  
results were just a minor setback and he *would* take care of it.  
In any event, his Master didn't have to make it sound like  
Stravan was causing problems. Did he?

Still upset, Obi-Wan stopped by Stravan's room on his way back  
from the library.

"Hey, Kenobi. I wasn't expecting to see you until study group  
tomorrow night," said Stravan when he answered the door. "Come  
in."

"I just wanted to stop by for a couple of minutes, if you don't  
mind."

"Of course not, you're welcome any time. Come on, sit down here  
with me. What's on your mind?"

"Well, tonight I had kind of a disagreement with my Master. He  
was asking about the Philosophy midterm results and I thought he  
was trying to say I was getting a poor grade because I'm spending  
too much time with you. I got kind of defensive and I feel upset  
about the way I talked to him."

Stravan moved closer to embrace his friend and held him close,  
using one hand to rub his back. "Obi-Wan, it's all right. I  
know you love him and all that, but you need to remember he's a  
Master. I've been around a lot longer, and I'm telling you they  
all have this need to stick their noses into whatever their  
Padawan is doing."

"It's just, well, I don't like being at odds with my Master, but  
I also feel like he shouldn't have been picking on you."

"Look, he promised to leave you alone, right?"

"Yes, he gave me his word."

"Well then, if you want him to respect you, you've got to learn  
to stand up for yourself. Show him you can do fine without him  
and make sure he knows that you don't want him interfering where  
he said he wouldn't."

"You think so?" asked Obi-Wan rather doubtfully.

"Take my word for it, it's the best way in the long run. If  
you're going to be a Knight some day, you've got to learn to be  
independent and not let a Master run your life like some of them  
want to do," replied Stravan confidently. "My Master and I stay  
out of each other's way and life is good." He planted a hard  
kiss on the long faced young apprentice, emphasizing his point  
with aggressive tongue exploration.

Coming up for air, Obi-Wan sighed and leaned into his friend's  
embrace. He felt much better but still not totally at ease.

Sensing his friend's disquiet, Stravan said, "Obi-Wan, I think  
you're doing a fine job. You said you're doing well in math and  
you've really helped everybody in the astrophysics study group,  
that must surely count for something. Maybe we're a little  
behind in philosophy but, hey, these are some tough classes.  
We'll get caught up, you'll see."

"I guess you're right. I'll just have to work a little harder."

"You do that, and remember, you've got to stick up for yourself  
if you want him to respect you," Stravan replied, kissing Obi-Wan  
again. "As long as you're here, though, did you come up with  
answers for those last couple of questions on the philosophy  
homework?"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

For the next several days Obi-Wan worked very hard to get caught  
up with homework and reading. His Master was not the only one  
disturbed by the midterm results; Obi-Wan himself felt that his  
marks were not up to his own standards and he was mindful of the  
commitment he had made to his Master. Having finally finished  
the last of his extra duty hours, he put the extra two hours a  
day to good use in doing reading for Philosophy.

When the next weekend break arrived, Obi-Wan was satisfied that  
his homework was mostly up to date and decided it was time to get  
serious about his Philosophy paper. By now he had a topic, a  
general outline and several sources but still needed a lot of  
work to create a product he would be comfortable turning in. He  
had spent most of the week in his own quarters and noticed that  
the relations between his Master and himself seemed to have  
turned even cooler and touchier since their post-midterm  
conversation. They rarely seemed to even meditate together any  
more, an event that used to be one of his favorite during the day  
since it enabled him to spend quiet, almost intimate, time alone  
with his Master. He didn't like the increasing distance that  
seemed to be developing but wasn't sure what to do about it.  
Qui-Gon seemed to be hesitant to speak to him about anything  
except very routine matters and Obi-Wan found that he seemed to  
hear interference in every conversation which caused him to  
bristle and turn caustic, even when later he had to admit to  
himself his Master had not said anything offensive. Obi-Wan had  
also missed Stravan, seeing him only in class and study groups,  
and was delighted when his friend invited him to spend the  
weekend in his rooms, enabling Obi-Wan to get away from the  
distressing discomfort of his own quarters for a while.

Both young men had datapadds, notes and snacks spread all over  
Stravan's common room. Obi-Wan felt it had been a productive  
ninthday as he yawned into the late afternoon light. Stravan  
stretched, grinned wickedly, then stalked over on hands and knees  
to pounce on Obi-Wan, holding him down and kissing him  
thoroughly. Obi-Wan powered himself up and they rolled around  
the floor, wrestling and scattering datapadds everywhere. They  
finally ended up on the couch, kissing enthusiastically.

"Obi-Wan, let's go out tonight. I'm tired of being cooped up all  
day," murmured Stravan into his friend's ear.

"I don't know, Stravan. I really should do some more work on  
this paper, and we've still got those Astrophysics problems."

"We've got all day tomorrow for that stuff. Besides, you know  
what they say, all work and no play makes Jeffi a dull Jedi."

Obi-Wan laughed, "I don't know anyone who says that, you goofus."

Stravan shrugged. "Whatever, it'll do both of us good to get  
some fresh air, something nice to eat, you know."

Obi-Wan let himself be talked into going out of the Temple for a  
meal. They went walking and stopped for a couple of hours at a  
club where several of Stravan's other friends had gathered,  
eventually ending up back at Stravan's room, where they  
experimented with new positions for sex well into the early  
morning.

Lying in bed the next morning, Obi-Wan was casually kissing his  
way down Stravan's chest when he suddenly sat up and smacked his  
head. "Sith, I forgot to tell my Master I was leaving the Temple  
last night. It's a good thing I remembered to bring my comm  
link."

"What's the big deal?" asked Stravan. "I thought you said your  
Master took your curfew off."

"Well, yes, he did, but we had agreed that we would let each  
other know where we were."

"Lighten up, Kenobi, if he had really wanted to find you, he'd  
have figured it out eventually."

"It's just that we made a deal and I need to show him I can live  
up to what I agreed to ..."

"You know, you can be awfully stuffy sometimes. Masters don't  
need to know everything." Stravan then stifled any further  
protests with an extended kiss and a firm hand stroking his  
friend's cock, taking Obi-Wan's mind off anything other than what  
his body was telling him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Over the next two weeks Obi-Wan managed to keep up with much of  
his normal workload, even pleasing his Master by learning another  
new complete kata. He wasn't making much headway at all with his  
Philosophy paper, though, and most of his reading as well as  
sleep were falling behind again as he found himself drifting back  
into spending more evenings with Stravan, mostly at his friend's  
urging. Obi-Wan thoroughly enjoyed Stravan's company most of the  
time and they had great sex together, but he was starting to get  
increasingly concerned about his friend's sometimes cavalier  
attitude towards academics. They had already had several minor  
disagreements when Stravan pushed him to forego studying for sex.

The post evening meal conversation in the dining hall was winding  
down as everyone at the table gathered their trays. Stravan  
waved at the rest of their group, then turned to Obi-Wan.

"I have to stop by and talk to my Master before we can go to my  
room. Want to come along?" Stravan asked.

"Sure. I'd like that," Obi-Wan replied.

"All right, just watch out for the smell and loose experiments  
when we go in. Chemistry is a big hobby for Master Jugan and  
he's almost always got something going on," Stravan cautioned  
with a smile.

When they entered the elderly Master's quarters, Obi-Wan fell  
into a coughing fit as an acrid odor bit into the back of his  
throat. Stravan had headed immediately for the kitchen and  
brought out a glass of cold water for his friend, handing it to  
him with a flourish and grin.

"This is safe to drink; I make sure there is always bottled water  
in the cooler. I wouldn't touch anything he's cooked, though,"  
said Stravan wryly. He turned away to call out, "Master, it's  
Stravan. Are you here, Master?"

Emerging from what would normally be a Padawan's room, Master  
Jugan proved to be a short six-fingered Hrurkanian. The normally  
bright blue skin had faded to a pale sky blue, with several of  
the remaining wisps of white curly hair hanging down over the  
inset ears and bushy white eyebrows, and deep lines around the  
bright orange eyes. He set the rack of test tubes he was  
carrying down on a workbench in the common area.

"Ah, there you are, Padawan." The Master smiled, revealing a set  
of small, bright white teeth. "How are you doing?"

"Very well, Master. I would like to introduce you to a friend of  
mine. Master, this is Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, the young man I  
told you about."

Obi-Wan bowed. "Greetings to you, Master Jugan."

The old Master peered at Obi-Wan fuzzily for a moment. "Good day  
to you, Padawan Kenobi. Kenobi, hmm, I've heard that name ...  
ah, yes, you must be Master Jinn's current apprentice, hmm?"

"Yes, Master Jugan, I have that honor, sir," Obi-Wan replied with  
a smile.

"Actually, I was about to offer you my sympathy," said Master  
Jugan, waving a hand vaguely. "I've heard about all that running  
around to all parts of the galaxy, people shooting at you,  
diplomatic functions, no, no, not my sort of thing at all." He  
paused and peered distractedly back at Obi-Wan again. "I saw  
your Master once, a long time ago it was, the healers were  
bringing him off a courier ship as I was getting ready to board  
another ship. Very nasty, yes, blood everywhere ..."

"Master, you said you wanted to talk to me," Stravan gently  
prodded his Master back on track as Obi-Wan looked on in  
puzzlement. Stravan looked at Obi-Wan and shrugged, then  
whispered very softly, "Sometimes he wanders a little."

"Ah, yes," said Master Jugan as he smiled and turned to his  
apprentice. "As soon as your current classes are finished we are  
going to Dojanov for a few months. They have some crystal mines  
which are petering out and they want me to look at them." He  
turned to Obi-Wan, "Not as exciting as what you are used to, I  
expect, but quite a treat for us." The Master's eyes lit up as  
he turned to his own apprentice, "Yes, indeed, Stravan, it will  
be a perfect opportunity to try out my new Force-enhanced  
techniques to see if we can find some new crystal veins. The  
Council will be so pleased if we can find a way to get more use  
out of some of these older mines."

"Yes, Master, that would be very nice," Stravan replied. The two  
apprentices listened politely as the old Master prattled on  
delightedly for another ten minutes.

Master Jugan finally turned to Obi-Wan, "Oh dear, where are my  
manners? I've been rattling on about the project, haven't said a  
word about my poor Padawan, he is so helpful you know, just so  
good with people and taking care of details, and here I haven't  
even offered either of you anything to eat ..."

"That's all right, Master, we just came from the dining hall,"  
Stravan hastily interjected. "And I'll start working on our trip  
scheduling when we get a few more details. Was there anything  
else you wanted, Master?"

"I'm sure there was something else, let me think a moment," said  
Master Jugan as he screwed up his eyes and ran a hand through the  
remnants of his hair. "Ah, yes, I know what it was. We should  
have talked a few weeks ago but I must have misplaced them, I  
think."

"Misplaced what, Master?" inquired Stravan.

"Oh, your midterm comments, of course," he replied. "As usual,  
you are passing all of your courses." He smiled fondly as he  
reached up and patted Stravan's shoulder. "My Padawan is quite  
bright, you know, very good at these things, and keeps up with  
all of his physical training, too," he beamed at Obi-Wan.

"Thank you, Master, you are too kind," Stravan said.

"There was something, though, it was one of the comments, let me  
just find the datapadd," Master Jugan muttered as he dug through  
a pile of datapadds, boxes, packets of chemicals and other  
miscellaneous items. Finally finding what he wanted, he held up  
a datapadd and peered at it. "Here we go, yes, it was from your  
Philosophy instructor, he said you are passing the class but he  
has some rather disparaging comments about 'superficiality'. Are  
you having any sort of problems in the class, Padawan?"

"Not as far as I know, Master. It *is* a difficult class, lots  
of reading, but I passed the midterm and I've turned in all of  
the assigned topics so far," Stravan replied.

"Oh well, I suppose I wouldn't worry about it too much then.  
I've met Master Zhkarn at a lot of committee meetings and he  
seldom seems to have anything nice to say. Yes, very unpleasant  
old lizard, indeed he is, but I suppose he must be a competent  
instructor. He's been teaching philosophy classes for as long as  
I can remember, you know."

"Yes, Master. Is there anything else?"

"No, that was all. I will let you know when I get more  
information on our trip. A pleasure to have met you, Padawan  
Kenobi."

"Thank you, Master," said Stravan and bowed.

"A pleasure to have met you also, Master Jugan," said Obi-Wan as  
he too bowed and then followed Stravan to the door.

As the two Padawans walked down the corridor, Stravan said, "I  
hope you didn't mind what Master Jugan said about your Master.  
He didn't mean anything offensive, it's just that he's always  
thought the Jedi should be more, well, peaceful, I guess. He  
believes the Jedi should be more involved in things like fixing  
environmental problems or helping people develop clean  
agricultural or mining resources rather than running around  
getting involved in diplomatic 'interventions', as he calls  
them." Stravan grinned, "Of course, he's getting rather old and  
tends to say pretty much whatever comes to mind, too."

"I noticed," replied Obi-Wan dryly. "It's all right, I think I  
was surprised more than bothered. Master Jugan seems nice  
enough, just a little odd."

"Well, that's one way to put it," Stravan laughed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A few hours later the two Padawans were quietly working in  
Stravan's room. Obi-Wan was lying stomach down on the floor of  
the common area; having finished his math problems, he was now  
looking up some answers for a philosophy study topic. Stravan,  
draped across the couch, put his datapadd down and stretched.  
Sliding down from the couch, he crawled over to Obi-Wan,  
straddled his hips and began gently massaging his friend's  
shoulders.

"You're awfully tight, Kenobi. I think it's time for a break.  
Let me get rid of some of those knots in your back," said Stravan  
quietly.

Obi-Wan laid his head down on the floor and relaxed. "Ummm, that  
does feel good. Thanks. I think my back is still tight from the  
afternoon training workout." He turned his head to look back at  
Stravan. "We need to make it a short break, though, there's  
still a lot of work left tonight."

"Actually, I had something a little more pleasant in mind for the  
rest of the evening," murmured Stravan as his strong hands  
continued to knead Obi-Wan's shoulders.

Obi-Wan tried to heave himself up and throw Stravan off but only  
succeeded in twisting around, ending up pinned on his back, the  
heavier apprentice lying on top of him.

"Stravan, Sith take it, we've talked about this before," Obi-Wan  
panted. He took a few deep breaths before continuing. "It's  
only twentieth hour, we could get in at least two or three more  
hours of work tonight and still get a decent night's sleep."

"Look, Kenobi, do you have an answer to turn in for all of the  
questions that are due tomorrow for all of your classes?" asked  
Stravan, not moving at all from his position atop the smaller  
man.

"Yes, I have *an* answer for every question, but I prefer to have  
a *good* answer and learn more about the topic, and you know  
there's always a lot of reading to work on."

"If you have an answer that you think is correct, then it *is* a  
good answer, Kenobi. Your problem is that you're always trying  
to come up with a better answer or the best answer and you waste  
a lot of time that could be spent doing more interesting things."

"I don't consider it *wasted* time. I believe that you should  
try to do the best you can and learn as much as you can. I  
intend to be a Jedi Knight one of these days, a good one, and I  
don't understand how you think you're going to be a Knight  
without working at it," Obi-Wan said, making another futile  
attempt to escape.

After Obi-Wan stopped wiggling, Stravan sighed and rolled off,  
sitting cross-legged next to his friend. "You just don't get it,  
Obi-Wan Kenobi. I've lived in the Temple since I was two years  
old and I've seen an awful lot of what goes on here. I do  
appreciate being a Jedi, having this connection with the Force,  
it's wonderful. But I'm also a pragmatist. If you look around,  
really look, what you'll see is that there are a lot of beings in  
the Jedi Order, from babies in the creche through the oldest  
masters, and they're all different. Some are superstars, some  
wash out, but most of them fall somewhere in the middle. Your  
master falls in the superstar category and my master falls in the  
big middle, probably the lowest middle, to be honest." Stravan  
raised his hand as Obi-Wan started to interrupt. "Wait, here me  
out. The way I see things, the lucky ones among us get to be a  
Padawan and you've got a lot of years where you're just learning  
things and nobody really expects great things from you. Most  
Padawans become Knights, and, from what I've seen, Knights do the  
heavy carrying in terms of spending most of their time out  
working, doing the grunt work for the Order without much of a  
break. If you can turn a Padawan into a Knight, or you get to be  
really really good at some special skill, wonderful, you get to  
become a Master and you still work hard for the most part. Now  
then, Padawan Kenobi, you've been around a while too, so answer  
this for me about our classes. How many people in any given  
class are going to get a high pass?"

Obi-Wan thought for a second, "Well, up to about ten to fifteen  
percent, depending on the class and instructor."

"And how many usually get a pass?"

"At least half or more, almost the entire class in a lot of  
cases. Again, it depends on the class and instructor."

"And what is the percentage of Padawans who become Knights?"

"I don't know exactly, but it seems to be well over half."

"Sooooo, if only a few people get high passes in academics but  
most Padawans become Knights, it must follow that most Knights  
got passes when they were Padawans, right? Although I'll admit  
it was close in a couple of cases, I have managed to get a pass  
or better in every class I've ever taken and I'm on track with  
most of my agemates for both academic and physical training.  
Therefore, it appears to me that my chances of eventually  
becoming a Knight are actually rather good."

Obi-Wan gave a sigh of frustration. "That's not the point,  
Stravan. You're intelligent, you learn a lot of the material  
even faster than I do. You could be so much better than you are,  
you could be a really good Knight, but you don't seem to want to  
try. I just don't understand why you won't use the talents  
you've got."

Stravan leaned back, propping himself on his long arms. "Let me  
put it another way. As I said earlier, when you become a Knight  
you have to start working and that's what you do for the rest of  
your life as a Jedi. As long as I'm a Padawan, I can work  
reasonably hard but I can still have fun. I *do* put in enough  
work to keep up with every class and all of my other training,  
but I also believe in making time for myself." He paused for a  
moment, then continued, "Let me ask you another question. You  
met my Master today and I will readily admit he's not in the  
superstar category, in fact he'd probably tell you that himself.  
But, and this is an important point, he has found himself a niche  
in the Jedi in which he can contribute something and he is  
*happy* with his life. The Council must think he is all right,  
also, because I'm the fifth Padawan they let him take, and my  
four predecessors all became Knights even though there was not a  
superstar in the whole lot. Now, can you honestly tell me that  
your master is happier with his life, that he enjoys himself  
more, than Master Jugan? I didn't ask about the relative value  
of their contribution, just which one is happier with their  
current life."

Obi-Wan drew breath to respond, but then had to stop and think  
for a minute. "I've never really thought about whether or not my  
Master is happy with his life; I suppose I just assumed he is.  
So no, I can't say Master Jinn is happier with his life than  
Master Jugan. But that's not *my* point. You're bright enough  
that you could be very good, you could make more of a  
contribution if you wanted to, and there is more to life as a  
Jedi than being happy."

"And you're still missing my point. I don't have any ambitions  
to be a superstar and I like being happy. While I'm a Padawan my  
intention is to keep up with the work but have some fun in life,  
because when I become a Knight I won't have time for nearly as  
much fun. I intend to be a good Knight, and I will find a way to  
contribute, but I believe that I can do better work if I'm not  
miserable. I want to be happy with who I am, with what I am, and  
I don't need to be better than everyone else to be happy with who  
I am and the life I've chosen."

"Stravan, as much as I like you, I don't think we are ever going  
to agree."

"Can we at least agree that there *are* different kinds of people  
and different kinds of Jedi?"

"Of course. I just think you could be a much better Jedi than  
most."

"I know that *you* will be a better Jedi than most, but I'm happy  
with the kind of Jedi *I* am, and you don't really have much  
chance of changing me into some other kind of Jedi. How about if  
we leave it at that for now?"

Obi-Wan sat up and shook his head. "Well, I suppose that's all  
right for now. But I won't promise not to try to keep changing  
you in the future, and I still have more work I need to do  
tonight."

Stravan grinned. "Wonderful, and I don't mind if you keep trying  
to change me." He leaned forward and put on his best puppy dog  
look. "For tonight, can we compromise? I'll help you go over  
the philosophy answers for the next hour if you'll play for an  
hour. I've got this new lube I'm dying to try out, it's supposed  
to taste just like drozen berries and cream once it warms up."

Obi-Wan laughed, then grabbed Stravan's braid to pull him over  
for a quick kiss. "You're incorrigible. All right, you've got a  
deal."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the next weekend break, Qui-Gon notified his apprentice that  
the Master had been summoned to a series of meetings which  
started in the local area and then moved to the other side of  
Coruscant and would be gone overnight. Obi-Wan took advantage of  
the occasion to invite Stravan to spend the weekend in the more  
spacious quarters he shared with his Master. Since he only had a  
few weeks left to finish his paper and prepare for final exams,  
Obi-Wan successfully insisted they spend most of the ninthday on  
homework but Stravan did manage to persuade him into an early  
dinner. Afterward they had stripped to leggings and were  
kissing on the sofa when the door unexpectedly opened. Qui-Gon  
was halfway into the room before he realized anyone else was  
there; he pulled up short when he saw the two young men hurriedly  
breaking from their embrace.

"Padawan, good evening. There was a change of plans and we will  
be staying over for at least two to three days so I came by from  
our local meeting to pick up a few more things before our  
transport leaves for the next sessions," said Qui-Gon, making an  
obvious effort to ignore the state of near undress of both young  
men.

"Yes, Master. Uh, I believe you know Stravan," answered Obi-Wan  
uncomfortably.

By this time Stravan had put one arm firmly back around Obi-Wan's  
shoulders and was casually stroking Obi-Wan's taut belly with the  
other hand. "Master Jinn, good evening, sir," the Padawan coolly  
said.

"Padawan Stravan, good evening. I know we haven't seen much of  
each other but Obi-Wan has talked about you quite a bit," Qui-Gon  
replied, his eyes drifting downward toward the roving hand.

"I expect he has. We are *very* good friends, Master Jinn," said  
Stravan condescendingly, his tone bordering on disrespect.

"So, you'll be gone for a few days, Master?" Obi-Wan interjected  
hastily as he saw Qui-Gon's countenance begin to darken. The  
young apprentice was beginning to fidget as his friend's hand  
drifted toward his waistband but he was unwilling to draw  
attention to the wandering appendage.

"Yes, at least two days, more likely three or four. I'll, uh,  
let you know when I find out what time we will be returning,"  
said Qui-Gon distractedly, his attention now clearly on the hand  
which had torn itself loose from Obi-Wan's vain attempt to  
capture it and inserted itself inside Obi-Wan's pants and was  
slowly caressing the bulge at the crotch.

Obi-Wan's face was now flaming red and he was trying desperately  
to look anywhere but at his Master. He didn't want to make a big  
scene but Stravan had him in a rather delicate position.

"Master Jinn, I hope you have a nice trip," said Stravan, still  
cool and calm, but looking up at Qui-Gon almost challengingly as  
he continued to hold the Master's Padawan in the intimate caress.

Qui-Gon started, then cleared his throat. "Yes, I'm, um, sure it  
will be. Well, then, I'll just get my things." The Master  
looked at Obi-Wan for a moment, but seeing no response he hurried  
into his room and swiftly threw some personal items and extra  
clothing into a small pack. Through the open door he could hear  
Obi-Wan angrily hissing at his friend. When the Master emerged,  
the two Padawans were sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, Obi-  
Wan's face still a bright red but Stravan appearing almost  
amused.

Qui-Gon stopped next to his Padawan on his way out and stood  
looking back and forth at the two young men. Obi-Wan stood up  
and waited for his Master to either speak or leave. Finally Qui-  
Gon seemed to settle an internal debate and said hesitantly and  
softly to his apprentice, "Obi-Wan, are you going to be all right  
while I'm gone?"

"Of course, Master, it's hardly the first time I've stayed here  
by myself," the apprentice replied in a highly irritated tone.  
~Where is that man's brain that he would say such a thing in  
front of my friend?~ Obi-Wan felt the temperature in his face  
ratchet up another notch from embarrassment as he saw the knowing  
smile on Stravan's face grow wider.

"I know, it's just, well, I meant, are you two ..." Qui-Gon  
floundered helplessly for a moment, gestured vaguely toward  
Stravan, then cleared his throat, before continuing cautiously.  
"Uh, well, I just wondered if the two of you will be, you know,  
all right, is all. I wouldn't want anything to happen that you  
weren't comfortable with."

As Obi-Wan suddenly realized what he thought his Master was  
trying to get at, he was no longer sure if he was angrier with  
his Master for being such an idiot or his friend for  
precipitating the situation. His immediate reaction was to sit  
down next to Stravan and put his arm defiantly around the other  
Padawan's shoulders. "We are going to be quite all right,  
Master," he said in a tight, angry voice. "But if you are also  
trying to ask if we plan to screw each other, I really don't  
think that's any of your business."

It was Qui-Gon's turn to blush hotly as he uttered "Oh, ... I,  
uh, suppose not," in a small voice. He drew in a breath as if to  
speak but nothing came out. Finally, he bit his lower lip, then  
looked at Obi-Wan. "Well, I'll just leave you alone then, shall  
I? Good-bye, Obi-Wan, Padawan Stravan." Qui-Gon looked hard at  
Stravan for a moment, then nodded abruptly, hoisted his small  
pack and left the room.

Obi-Wan waited until the door had closed before he exploded off  
the couch and starting pacing.

"Sith take it, Stravan, just what the Force were you trying to  
do? That was my Master, for Force sake! Why didn't you just  
invite him to stay and watch us fuck, while you were at it?"

"Oh come on. You really need to lighten up, Kenobi. Your Master  
may be the oh so great legendary Jinn but he's obviously pretty  
clueless where you're concerned. Which, by the way, is what I  
thought you were complaining about the other day."

"That's got nothing to do with us. And it doesn't mean you can  
go around sticking your hand down my pants in front of my Master  
to embarrass him as well as me."

"As far as I'm concerned, he's just another Master like all the  
rest of them, only maybe a little more dense. In any event, I  
want you even if he doesn't, and I don't mind letting him know  
that you're mine."

"Let's get a few things straight right now," responded Obi-Wan,  
his voice starting to rise. "I don't `belong' to you and I don't  
think I like the disrespectful way you talk about my Master."

"All right, I'll concede the ownership part, because regardless  
of whether either of you will ever admit it, that old son of a  
bantha has you by the balls if he'd ever wake up and figure it  
out," said Stravan contemptuously.

"He's not old, and, and," Obi-Wan sputtered. "What the Sith are  
you talking about, anyway?"

Stravan stood up so the two young men were practically toe to  
toe. "Listen, Kenobi, I like you a lot and you're an  
exceptionally good fuck, but there are times when I truly wonder  
which of you two is really the clueless one."

"All right, Stravan, I like you too, but you've got a lot of  
explaining to do on this one. Just what are you trying to get  
at?"

"I've been watching you for a couple of months now, Kenobi. On  
the one hand, I've seen the times you got mad because you felt  
like Jinn wasn't treating you like a `grownup' and, quite  
frankly, you looked a little silly. On the other hand, though,  
most of the time you are either working your ass off because he's  
got you totally brainwashed into believing that you've got to  
have the best grades, do the perfect kata and be the model  
Padawan or else you are mooning around after him, and I have to  
listen to you moaning in your dreams because he won't fuck you.  
I saw how jazzed you were when the old bastard took your curfew  
off, but you should see yourself the rest of the time. When  
you're not pissed off at him, you live for the little scraps and  
crumbs of compliments he grudgingly hands out. He's got you by  
the balls, Kenobi, because whatever it was, if he ordered it  
you'd do it, no matter if it was jumping off the top of the Tower  
or letting the whole Council fuck you in the dining hall in front  
of everybody in the Temple."

Obi-Wan was practically seeing red by this time. "That's not  
true, you sorry slimedevil. Qui-Gon Jinn is one of the best  
Masters in the whole Temple and he's just teaching me to be the  
best Jedi I can be. I want to do well because I know I can and  
it's the right thing to do to push yourself and get better. And  
he doesn't have to *order* me to do things, I *want* to do things  
for him."

"You should really sit down and listen to yourself. I swear,  
Kenobi, that if you weren't such a great fuck there were times I  
almost wanted to tell you to take your righteous do-gooder act  
and go find somebody who gives a womprat's ass. And all these  
weeks you've been worrying and working your butt off trying to  
convince the old bastard how `grown up' you are," Stravan mocked.  
"But let me tell you, little braid boy, all those miserable  
Masters are all alike and none of it is going to make any  
difference in the long run. You should have listened to me when  
I told you it was better to learn to take care of yourself first.  
You'd be a lot better off if you did whatever you needed to do to  
get Knighted, then tell the old sod to stick it where his light  
saber doesn't shine and get on with your life."

At this point Obi-Wan was well past seeing red and the resulting  
shouting match escalated into a bruising fight which left both  
Padawans bloody and battered, panting and glaring at each other  
across the room.

"I think you'd better leave," gasped Obi-Wan, leaning over with  
hands on knees.

"Right. Well, I guess it was nice while it lasted," wheezed  
Stravan in reply, bent over the upturned couch.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Stravan slowly gathered himself together, wiping off the blood  
with a cloth from the kitchen, then finding the rest of his  
clothes and dressing. He paused as he started for the door as  
if about to say something, but just shook his head and left.

Obi-Wan slid down against the wall and glumly surveyed the  
wrecked room as his breathing began to return to normal and the  
blood streaming from his nose finally slowed to a trickle. ~How  
in the Force do I get myself into these situations?~

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * *

Eventually the dispirited Padawan roused himself enough to start  
taking inventory of his injuries. He found lots of bumps and  
bruises, some nasty abrasions, a few cuts here and there and a  
now thoroughly ripped pair of leggings but the worst of it seemed  
to be swelling and contusions around his nose and left eye. Obi-  
Wan stripped and took a quick shower to get rid of the blood and  
dirt, then began slowly picking up the debris in the common area  
with one hand while he held an ice pack on his face with the  
other.

Two hours later the room was almost presentable and the blood  
stains in the rug had been scrubbed away but Obi-Wan was feeling  
definitely the worse for wear. He reached down to pick up a  
stack of datapadds and knickknacks which had been knocked off the  
shelves, then groaned when he saw the shattered remains of a  
ceramic figurine under the pile. He carefully gathered up all of  
the pieces and put them into a bowl, then sat down on the couch  
with the bowl in his lap. Running his fingers through the brown  
and orange pieces he thought about how he made the little  
laughing cat in a Jedi robe when he was fifteen. He had spent  
weeks getting it just perfect and had planned to save it so he  
could give it to his Master for his naming day. Instead he had  
begged Qui-Gon to take it with him when the Master was sent away  
on a very dangerous mission without his apprentice. Qui-Gon kept  
few material goods but the small feline had remained in a place  
of honor after his safe return and Qui-Gon always took it with  
him if he had to go offplanet alone on a mission.

Obi-Wan sat back and sighed heavily. Right now he felt inside  
like the broken cat as he forced himself to take an objective  
look at just where he was in his life at the moment. Despite  
letting his friends' taunts and needling turn him into an  
obnoxious jerk, his Master had not only forgiven him but given  
him a golden opportunity to demonstrate that he could act  
responsibly. He realized now that he had made a number of poor  
decisions these last few months and was probably further away  
than ever from his goal of gaining his Master's respect. His  
infatuation with Stravan was certainly a major mistake; he had  
not understood the older Padawan's true nature until far too  
late. Stravan had catered to his desire to feel more independent  
and told him things he wanted to hear; as a result, Obi-Wan had  
let his enjoyment of the affection and sex override his sense of  
duty so he was now in a big hole with his academic work. He saw  
now that his biggest mistake, though, was taking his new freedom  
and guarding it jealously, like a child with a new toy. Stravan  
had even influenced him in this area, encouraging him to be more  
independent and keep his Master out of his life. He had learned  
his lesson well, turning defensive and seeing interference in  
even the most innocuous query from his Master, repaying his  
Master's trust with false pride and prickly oversensitivity. He  
hated to even think about how he must have hurt his Master with  
his distance and barbed comments. Idly running a thumb over a  
rough broken ceramic edge, he sighed again. As long as he was  
being honest, he had to admit he really had missed Qui-Gon's  
caring concern and the quiet evenings they used to share  
together. Holding the bowl in both hands, he looked down at the  
broken pieces for several minutes. He finally rose to carry the  
bowl into his room; with quiet determination he had decided he  
would do what he could to repair the rift in his relationship  
with his Master and get caught up as much as possible with his  
school work. At the end of the term he would just have to see  
how things came out and deal with the consequences as best he  
could.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After finishing the cleanup of the quarters, Obi-Wan tried to use  
a healing trance to fix his injuries. While he had success in  
healing the minor cuts, bumps and bruises, his nose remained  
stubbornly defiant and increasingly more painful. Looking at his  
swollen face in the mirror, he probed the injury gingerly with a  
finger and felt something moving and grating. Coming to the  
dismal conclusion that it was probably broken, he faced the first  
test of his new resolve to be a better Padawan and forced himself  
to trudge down to the hated Healers wing to get his nose fixed.  
Since standard practice including notifying his Master and he  
didn't want Qui-Gon to worry unnecessarily while they were apart,  
on the admission form for treatment Obi-Wan put down that he  
fell. ~Which, from a certain point is view, is correct. I fell  
right into that right hook that Stravan threw.~ He suffered  
through the knowing looks and brusque ministrations of the night  
duty Healer and was finally released with an admonishment to be  
more careful.

The next day Obi-Wan spent several hours in meditation. He was  
not satisfied with his previous night's decision to just try to  
do better. He thought about the kinds of mistakes he had made,  
the damage he had probably done to his relationship with his  
Master, and the time he had put to such poor use. He had let  
false feelings and poor judgement lead him astray into actions  
that he now understood were not in keeping with his own personal  
high standards, actions which had betrayed the trust his Master  
had placed in him. He wanted to take more positive action to  
correct his mistakes, but he knew that would also probably  
involve admitting his mistakes and swallowing his pride. Well,  
if that was what it took, so be it.

After his first class the next morning, Obi-Wan sought and  
received an appointment to return later that day to speak to  
Master Zhkarn. Returning to the classroom after lunch, he  
nervously waited at the door for permission to enter.

"Padawan Kenobi, come in," said the old Master, his bright black  
eyes watching unblinking as the apprentice advanced to the front  
of the desk. Although the green scaly skin was dulled by age, it  
was well known that the Philosophy Master's wit and teeth were as  
sharp as ever.

"Master Zhkarn, thank you for speaking with me," said Obi-Wan,  
bowing low, then standing respectfully to await a reply.

"Why do you wish to speak to me, Padawan?"

Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan began. "Master Zhkarn, I wish to  
ask for an extension of the deadline for turning in the paper. I  
apologize for the lateness of the request but I do not believe I  
can write an appropriate paper in the time remaining in the  
class."

The Master regarded him silently for several minutes, one claw  
clicking on the scarred desk, hooded eyes occasionally blinking,  
as the apprentice grew increasingly more uncomfortable.

"The assignment was given at the beginning of the course, was it  
not?" Master Zhkarn finally asked.

"Yes, Master Zhkarn."

"You understood that this is a mandatory course?"

"Yes, Master Zhkarn."

"Was there ever any question of when the paper was due?"

"No, Master Zhkarn."

"Then why do you come to me now to ask for an extension,  
Padawan?"

"It is entirely my own fault, Master Zhkarn. I want to write a  
good paper, I know I can write a good paper, but I did not  
suitably manage my time or schedule my work appropriately and now  
I do not have enough time left to properly complete the paper,  
sir."

"You have two other courses, I believe?"

"Yes, Master Zhkarn."

"Have you asked for an extension or relief from work in either of  
those classes?"

"No, Master Zhkarn."

"Are you behind in your work for those other classes?"

"Well, not very much in Astrophysics and not at all in math,  
sir."

"I see. Astrophysics and math are important to you, but dusty  
old philosophy is not?"

"I, well, that is, I didn't mean it like that, Master Zhkarn,"  
said Obi-Wan, flustered by the unexpected turn in the  
conversation.

"How did you mean it, Padawan?"

"Uh, I, well, ..." Obi-Wan trailed off and hung his head. "I'm  
sorry, Master Zhkarn. To be honest, I guess I just didn't find  
philosophy as interesting and I didn't put as much effort into it  
as I did for my other classes. I did not intend any disrespect,  
sir." He hesitated for a moment, then continued in a low voice,  
"May I withdraw the request for the extension, Master Zhkarn?"

"I suppose you may as well since I have no intention of granting  
it. You made your choices, Padawan, and you will live with the  
results of those choices. Quite frankly, I have been very  
disappointed with your performance in my class. Aside from the  
fact that your previous records indicate that you should have  
been quite capable of doing well, I expected more from the  
apprentice of Master Qui-Gon Jinn."

Obi-Wan's head snapped up. "The failure is my fault and my fault  
only," he said hotly without thinking. "Master Jinn gave me the  
responsibility for managing my own time during these classes and  
I failed, not him. He doesn't even know I'm talking to you so  
you can't - "

The old Master held up a hand for silence. "Your concern for your  
Master is duly noted, Padawan."

Biting his lip, Obi-Wan calmed himself. "My apologies, Master  
Zhkarn, for the intemperate expression of my feelings."

There was a trace of a smile as Master Zhkarn bared his fangs  
before replying. "There is nothing wrong with your feelings,  
just your class work, and I know what I wanted to find out. You  
have two weeks left in the course, Padawan Kenobi, you can only  
do what you can do in that time. I would appreciate it, however,  
if you would try to learn *something* from the class before it is  
over," he said dryly as he waved a clawed hand in dismissal.

"Yes, Master Zhkarn. Thank you." Cheeks burning, Obi-Wan bowed  
and left. He had learned at least one thing today; his  
protectiveness of his Master appeared to finally outweigh his own  
selfish feelings.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Returning to his room, Obi-Wan found a message from his Master  
notifying him that Qui-Gon would be gone longer than originally  
anticipated. For the next three days he worked hard with little  
sleep. He went from classroom to sparring hall to studying and  
writing in his quarters with only an occasional break for food or  
a shower. Obi-Wan stopped attending the astrophysics study group  
and stopped seeing Stravan altogether, only now beginning to  
suspect that he had probably gotten far less benefit for the  
amount of work he had put into those activities as the other  
participants.

He tidied up their quarters on the day his Master was due back.  
Obi-Wan was finishing math problems in the common area that  
evening when the door chimed. He wondered who would be calling  
this late when the door opened and Qui-Gon entered. Obi-Wan felt  
a twinge of guilt that his Master had felt it necessary to use  
the chime on his own quarters and that he himself had been so  
self-absorbed he had not even noticed the approaching presence of  
his Master's force signature. He quickly got up and took his  
Master's bag.

"Welcome back, Master. I have some hot water ready if you would  
like some tea."

"That would be a kindness, Padawan, thank you," his Master  
replied, a surprised smile on his tired face. Qui-Gon went into  
his room to take off his cloak and boots, then used the fresher.  
By the time he came out his apprentice had cleared the table and  
put out two steaming cups of tea accompanied by a plate of sweet  
biscuits.

Qui-Gon sat down at the table and took an appreciative sip of  
tea, then nibbled on a biscuit. Obi-Wan noticed that his  
Master's shoulders were slumped and there were lines under his  
bloodshot eyes. There was an awkward silence for several moments  
as both sipped their tea. Finally, Obi-Wan broke the silence,  
"So, how were the talks, Master?"

The older man hesitated for a moment as if not quite sure how to  
respond to the overture. "They were tedious, far too long and  
far too little was accomplished for the amount of effort  
expended." He paused and scanned his apprentice's face before  
continuing in a carefully neutral tone, "Padawan, I received an  
injury notice from the Healers. The notice said you had fallen  
and broken your nose?" Leaving the inquiry open, Qui-Gon put his  
cup down and sat back with a guarded expression on his face.

Obi-Wan felt his Master's shields tighten as he spoke and felt  
his own guilt grow, knowing that his own recent behavior was  
responsible for his Master's defensive posture. He toyed  
nervously with his own cup as he replied, "Yes, Master.  
Actually, to say I fell is probably a bit misleading."

Qui-Gon waited silently for his apprentice to continue, merely  
raising an eyebrow in inquiry.

"After you left, Padawan Stravan and I had a disagreement and it  
got a little heated," Obi-Wan continued. He paused uncertainly,  
"Well, I suppose that's not really totally accurate either ..."

Firming his resolve, Obi-Wan rose and went to kneel at his  
Master's side. "Actually, Master, Stravan and I got into an  
argument and it turned into a fight. I'm sorry, Master. I  
cleaned up our quarters and was able to heal the cuts and bruises  
but I had to go to the Healers to get my nose fixed."

"Did he hurt you? Was he trying to make you something you didn't  
want to do? I'll speak to his Master if that arrogant little  
..."

"No, Master, please, it wasn't anything like that," Obi-Wan  
quickly interrupted. He flushed a little as he continued, his  
eyes on the floor, "He didn't try to force me to do anything.  
We've, uh, we were lovers already, but we had been disagreeing on  
some things before that night. I'm really sorry for what  
happened that night when you came in, neither of us had any right  
to embarrass you like that. I was mad at him for that and, like  
I said, for some other things that had been building up, and we  
went from yelling at each other to fighting. I'm sorry, Master."

Qui-Gon had started to rise but now sat back down and looked at  
his kneeling apprentice. Obi-Wan felt a tingle of confusion,  
disappointment and a touch of surprised discomfort over their  
bond; looking up he saw his Master peering down at him with a  
puzzled expression on his face. Before Qui-Gon had a chance to  
ask about details, the apprentice decided to proceed on his own  
with a request he had been worrying over for the last two days.

"Master, I know I shouldn't have been fighting and I'll take  
whatever punishment I have coming. But I have an important  
request to ask of you first, Master."

"What request is that, Padawan?"

"Master, I ... well, I've sort of let a few things get out of  
control and I've got a lot of school work to do in the few  
days remaining in the term. I was wondering, would you please  
let me out of our afternoon training sessions and postpone the  
punishment for the fight until after final exams? It's just for  
a few more days, and I swear I'll make it up to you, I'll do  
double punishment and extra training if necessary," Obi-Wan  
pleaded.

"Padawan, are you really in that much trouble that you would need  
to ask for this? Is there anything we need to talk about right  
now?"

The apprentice thought for a moment, licked his lips, then looked  
up. "Master, I have made some poor decisions these last few  
months and I have not used my time well. It's my own fault and I  
would like to talk with you if you will wait for just a bit  
longer. Please, Master, it's just that, well, right now I need a  
chance to try to fix some things. I'll understand if you say no.  
I know I haven't exactly been deserving of any special treatment  
lately."

Qui-Gon reached down to raise the young man's chin so he could  
look at his face. "Obi-Wan, you know I only want what is best  
for you. We may have our differences occasionally but you have  
always worked hard and tried to do what you believed was right.  
I realize you are going through a difficult period of your life  
right now, and I have tried to respect that, although I will  
admit it hasn't been easy. I trusted you enough to agree to let  
you manage your own time until we see the results at the end of  
this term, and I will trust you enough to wait to discuss your  
problems. I can not entirely disregard the rest of your  
training, but I am willing to postpone the punishment for  
fighting and reduce our afternoon sessions as much as possible.  
Most days we should be able to finish in two hours or less, and  
you may have the rest of the time for your other work."

"Thank you, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He reached up to touch his  
Master's hand. "I've just begun to realize how difficult I've  
been, Master, and I apologize for that. Right now, I'm still  
trying to sort through some things in my head, but I do  
understand that we need to talk after final exams, Master, and I  
do *want* to talk."

"Yes, we do need to talk, but I will wait until then. I will be  
here for you when you are ready."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * *

A dense gray fog of apprehension and exhaustion seemed to fill  
his head, slowing his thoughts to a crawl. His stomach had been  
churning since the end of yesterday's classes, suspecting the  
truth but hoping for a miracle. This was the last day of class  
sessions when all the results were handed back. In his first  
class, Advanced Comparative Philosophy, Master Zhkarn was  
shuffling around the room passing back papers, final exams and  
grades. As the datapadd with his results hit his desktop with a  
dull click, Obi-Wan's whole world seemed to narrow to the small  
screen. He drew his breath in sharply then groaned silently as  
he saw the final comments and scores. He had already known the  
score on his midterm was very poor but had hoped for better than  
the pass on the final. The paper that he had finally cobbled  
together came back marked with a low pass and he cringed inwardly  
when he read some of the caustic comments on it, knowing full  
well it was his own fault for having done so poorly. Taken  
altogether, he ended up with a low pass for the course. ~A low  
pass! I know I can do better than that. I should have done  
better than that~ he berated himself. He sat silently,  
thinking, as the class was dismissed early and the room cleared.  
Soon the only occupants of the room were the instructor and he.

Obi-Wan finally rose and went to stand in front of Master  
Zhkarn's desk. "Master Zhkarn, I have a request."

"You passed the course, Padawan, although not very well, so you  
don't have to come back. You received the grade you earned and I  
will not raise it. And yes, your Master will receive a copy of  
all grades and comments tomorrow. That covers at least 95% of  
the requests and questions I receive after the end of each  
class," the old Master replied, leaning forward in his chair,  
then jabbing a finger in the apprentice's direction. "I suppose  
you think you have something unique to ask?"

"I don't know if it is unique, Master Zhkarn. I have been  
thinking about some things you said and how well I did in the  
class. I," he paused and looked down at the floor for a moment  
before continuing. "Well, I have to admit I didn't really learn  
all that much in your class. I would like to go back, complete  
all of the reading, and write a proper paper for you so I can  
finish the analysis I started in the paper I turned in."

The reptilian being leaned back in his chair and blinked quickly  
several times before replying. "Rewriting the paper will not  
change your grade, Padawan Kenobi. There is no reason why I  
should bother to waste my time reading it," he said brusquely.

Ignoring the rebuff, Obi-Wan quietly continued, "This has nothing  
to do with grades, Master Zhkarn, and that is not what I am  
asking. Respectfully, sir, I believe there is much I can learn  
by completing the work I should have done and I am asking if you  
would be willing to take the time to read the paper and discuss  
it with me. No grades, nothing official, just an opportunity to  
see if I have understood what you tried to teach us."

"This is indeed a most unusual request. You are quite serious?"

"Yes, Master Zhkarn. I don't know how long it will take me to  
finish because I suspect we will be going out on missions again  
for a while now that I have finished this cycle of classes, but I  
will finish it as soon as I can."

The old Master pondered for several moments, one clawed finger  
clicking on the desktop, then looked up. "Very well, Padawan  
Kenobi. If you are willing to do the work on your own, then I  
will make time to read it and discuss the results with you."

"Thank you, Master Zhkarn."

"Just tell me one thing, Padawan Kenobi. Why do you want to do  
this?"

Obi-Wan gave a small smile as he replied softly, "Because, as you  
reminded me the other day, I am Master Jinn's apprentice, sir."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Obi-Wan's next two classes were not so bad. He had always  
enjoyed and been good in math and tended to spend more of his  
study time in this area; he finished with a solid high pass and  
some very favorable comments. In Astrophysics, though, his  
careless mistakes and lack of focus on the midterm and skimping  
on some of the homework ended up dropping him down to a pass with  
a mix of positive and negative comments.

Shaking his head as headed from his last class to the dining  
hall, Obi-Wan heard running footsteps and a breathless voice  
called out from behind him, "Wait up a minute, Kenobi."

Looking around, he saw Stravan hurrying up to him. With barely  
concealed reluctance, he waited for the other Padawan.

"Obi-Wan, I haven't had a chance to talk to you for a while. I  
wanted to thank you for all the help you gave me in philosophy  
and astrophysics. I got a pass in all my classes," said Stravan.

The younger apprentice looked at him for a moment before he fully  
realized what Stravan had said and its implications. "Don't take  
this the wrong way, Stravan, because I know you're actually  
pretty sharp when you want to be, but when the Force did you have  
time to write a passing paper for Master Zhkarn?" asked Obi-Wan.

Stravan grinned. "Like I kept trying to tell you, it's all a  
matter of priorities and knowing what you want. As long as I get  
a pass or better in every class, my Master leaves me alone, so I  
figured out what it took for each class and that's how much I  
did. And you know, Kenobi, you really need to learn to take  
better advantage of letting people help you in study groups and  
how to reuse papers you've written for other instructors instead  
of trying to do everything the hard way for every class."

Obi-Wan just shook his head and sighed. He didn't think he could  
ever learn to function like that.

"Aw come on, Obi-Wan, you really do need to learn to lighten up,"  
Stravan said before turning serious. "And, uh, I also wanted to  
apologize for the other night up in your quarters. I didn't mean  
for you to get in any trouble with your Master or anything."

"Fine, apology accepted and I'm sorry I fought with you. It was  
a pretty stupid thing to do. My Master agreed to postpone the  
punishment for the fight until after final exams were finished so  
it wasn't a big problem," Obi-Wan replied. "Is that all you  
wanted?"

Stravan stared at Obi-Wan for a second like he had grown a second  
head. "You *told* your Master about the fight? Why? He was  
gone for days and would never have known the difference."

"*I* knew it was wrong so I told him. You just don't seem to get  
it, do you, Stravan?"

"I certainly don't understand you, Kenobi. Why do you keep  
busting your ass and being so righteous for someone who's never  
going to even look twice at you the way you want?"

"There's a lot more to our relationship than that. Look, I don't  
understand and I don't particularly care what is going on with  
you and your Master, but I respect and love my Master and the  
things he stands for. He is a great man and a great Jedi and I  
would be ecstatic if I could ever be just half as good as him.  
Whether he ever returns my love the way I want is my personal  
problem and has nothing to do with his teaching me to be a Jedi.  
Now, unless you have something else to say, I would suggest that  
we treat whatever we had together as being finished. My goal is  
to become the best Jedi Knight I can be, not just to scrape by  
and become a Knight any old way I can. We obviously want  
different things out of life and it would be better for both of  
us if we go our separate ways."

"Well, all right, if that's the way you feel about it," said  
Stravan reluctantly. "But if you ever need someone for a good  
time, I'll be around."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Obi-Wan dryly. "Good-bye,  
Stravan."

"Right, uh, good-bye then," said Stravan to the retreating back  
as Obi-Wan turned and walked down the corridor.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that day, after an evening meal he didn't remember eating,  
Obi-Wan sat at the desk in his room, looking morosely at three  
neatly aligned datapadds and a bowl of ceramic fragments that  
represented the mess he had made of his life the last few months.  
He had tried to meditate as he waited for Qui-Gon to return from  
yet another meeting, but his thoughts kept wandering to the  
question of how it was possible to be handed something you wanted  
so much but probably didn't deserve and then handle it so badly.  
Having finally giving up the meditation as a pointless exercise,  
he sat staring at the datapadds from his three instructors for  
the just completed classes. Over the past several days, the more  
he had pondered and meditated upon the situation, the more  
certain had become his conviction that he had failed to live up  
to his end of the agreement with his Master and simply wasn't  
nearly as ready as he had thought he was for more responsibility.  
He buried his face in his hands as he thought about the  
discussion he would soon be having with his Master; admitting his  
mistakes would not be easy and it hurt to know how disappointed  
his Master would be with his failure. To make things worse, the  
feelings for his Master that he normally ruthlessly suppressed  
during his waking hours kept surfacing, poking his consciousness  
like a sharp stick to remind him why he had wanted so badly to do  
well and what his failure had probably cost him.

So absorbed was the young man in his own thoughts that he heard  
neither the knock nor the sound of his door opening. It was not  
until the large hand descended gently onto his shoulder that he  
realized someone else had entered his room.

"Padawan, are you all right?" asked Qui-Gon softly, concern  
spilling over the training bond.

"Yes, Master," replied Obi-Wan, dropping his hands onto the desk.  
"I was just thinking."

"Your school term is over now, Padawan. There are some things we  
need to discuss."

"Yes, Master, I know. I just need a few minutes, please, then  
I'll be right out."

"Very well, Padawan. I will be waiting in the common room."  
Qui-Gon gave his apprentice's shoulder a brief, reassuring  
squeeze before dropping his hand and leaving the room.

Obi-Wan stood up, closed his eyes, and took several slow, deep  
breaths to calm himself. Opening his eyes, he gathered the three  
datapadds and the bowl of fragments and headed for the door.  
~Well, let's go straight for the apology and get it over with.  
Perhaps the rest of it won't be so bad if I admit right away I  
made a mess of things.~

He paused briefly in his doorway and saw his Master sitting  
patiently on the couch. The apprentice walked over and knelt in  
front of Qui-Gon, then bowed low, touching his forehead to the  
floor.

"Master, I regret to inform you that I have failed in our  
agreement. I apologize for my failings and the things I have  
done wrong these last few months, and I beg your forgiveness,  
Master."

"Padawan, please sit up."

Obi-Wan sat up and leaned back on his haunches. He wasn't sure  
what his Master wanted since this wasn't the way a chewing out  
usually went.

"Padawan, I'm sorry, let me clarify that request. I want you to  
sit here on the couch. We need to have a discussion, not a  
confession and admonishment."

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan got up and sat at the end of the couch  
apprehensively, finding it difficult to look anywhere but the  
floor.

"Thank you. Now, Padawan, please tell me why you believe you  
have failed in our agreement and what you believe you have done  
wrong," said Qui-Gon quietly.

Obi-Wan groaned inwardly. ~Force, he's going to make me drag  
out all the gory details.~ Outwardly he maintained a calm  
composure. "Master, the heart of the agreement was that you  
would remove many of the restrictions on my activities such as  
the curfew and, in return, I was supposed to responsibly manage  
my time and activities and maintain the same level of achievement  
as before you removed the restrictions. I believe that, for the  
most part, I kept up with the physical and combat training," he  
paused to wait for an acknowledging nod from his Master, "but I  
made some mistakes in how I managed things on the academic side  
and, well, I'm afraid the results are quite a bit lower than they  
should have been, Master." He silently handed over the three  
datapadds.

Qui-Gon spent several minutes going over each of the class  
results and instructor's comments. Obi-Wan did his best not to  
fidget as the silence seemed to stretch on interminably.  
Finally, however, Qui-Gon leaned back, pursed his lips  
thoughtfully, then turned to speak to his apprentice.

"All three of these courses were important mandatory courses,  
Padawan, and you were aware of that. Your math result is in line  
with your normal scores but I have to say I am surprised by your  
Astrophysics results and very concerned about what happened in  
Philosophy. In fact, I believe we spoke briefly about your  
progress in Philosophy after your midterm, didn't we?"

"Yes, Master, Master Zhkarn had sent you a note about how I was  
doing in the class. Master, I acknowledge that I have failed and  
I'm truly sorry to have disappointed you," said Obi-Wan. He  
swallowed hard before continuing, "I submit myself for discipline  
and whatever restrictions you believe are appropriate, Master.  
Can't you just please tell me what the punishment will be and we  
can get on with things?"

"Obi-Wan, this is isn't about doing something wrong and  
punishment. We both need to understand what happened, why it  
happened and where we go from here. To a certain extent, I blame  
myself for part of your problems. I could see that you were  
falling behind in your classwork but I kept telling myself that  
you would recognize the problem and solve it, so I kept stopping  
myself from talking to you. I even let you sleep in that one  
morning, knowing you had a test that day. I feel like I didn't  
give you much support while you were having problems."

"No, Master, none of it was your fault," Obi-Wan protested. "In  
fact, one of the things I wanted to apologize for was the way I  
treated you and some of the things I said to you. I was so  
wrapped up in being independent and doing things on my own that  
I now realize I was very defensive." He gave a self-deprecating  
snort. "I wouldn't have listened if you *had* tried to say  
something, in fact I probably would have ended up getting mad and  
yelling at you. When I think back, I see now that an awful lot  
of the time I was bordering on being disrespectful but all I  
could think about was what was happening with me. Short of  
giving me a direct order to do some things differently, which  
would have just led to a fight, I don't think there was anything  
you could have said that I might have listened to. You lived up  
to your end of our agreement to let me do things on my own; I'm  
the one who didn't do my part."

"Well, while we're being honest, I will admit on my part that  
some of the things you said and did were hurtful at times but I  
didn't believe you intended them to be. You were going through a  
difficult time so I just tried to overlook a lot of things I  
normally wouldn't."

"Master, I'm afraid that at the time I probably did mean those  
things, but I am sorry for being so hateful. And, although you  
would never have gotten me to admit it, there were times I missed  
being able to talk to you, but pride kept driving me away."

Qui-Gon shook his head and gave a half-smile. "Pride can be one  
of the most damaging emotions if it is taken too far. I am glad  
you have realized that, but we still need to talk about why your  
grades were so poor."

"Actually, Master, I can answer that with one word - Stravan. I  
should never have gotten involved the way I did. It felt so good  
to be with him; he was bright and charming and went out of his  
way to make me feel important and grownup. Stravan knew just the  
things to tell me to make me feel good, how to tell me what I  
wanted to hear." Obi-Wan paused, then leaned forward a little,  
head tilted down, looking at the floor. "For a long time I  
didn't understand, or maybe I just didn't want to see, that what  
he wanted from life was so different from what I was trying to  
do. I let him talk me into spending time with him when I knew I  
should be studying. I just kept getting further behind,  
especially after we became lovers and I wanted so much to be with  
him. When I got to know him better, I began finding out that he  
didn't think it was all that important to do well in class, or in  
pretty much anything else either." The young man paused again,  
then sat up straight, looking straight at his master. "In any  
event, I made some very poor decisions in that relationship, and  
a lot of the time I spent with Stravan was time I should have  
been spending on studying. I just didn't figure it out until it  
was too late."

"But you did break up with him, Padawan, and rather spectacularly  
I suspect if your mood when I left that night and that injury  
report I got later are valid indications."

Obi-Wan flushed and looked back down at the floor again. "Yes,  
Master. Some of that had been building up for a while, but I  
found out that night just what a poor opinion Stravan has of Jedi  
Masters also. He said some pretty nasty things about you and  
about me and, well, one thing sort of led to another. We got  
into a shouting match which turned into a fight and we haven't  
really seen each other since then." Obi-Wan looked up at his  
Master. "It was that night, while I was cleaning up the mess  
from the fight, that I really started to realize what had been  
happening and how many mistakes I had been making. I guess I  
just wasn't as ready as I thought I was to take on that kind of  
responsibility." He paused as he remembered the bowl still  
sitting by his side. "Oh, yes, uh, there is one more very  
important thing, Master."

"That's quite a bit you've already covered, Padawan. What else  
did you do that could possibly equal all that?" Qui-Gon said with  
a small smile.

Shamefacedly, Obi-Wan knelt next to Qui-Gon and offered him the  
bowl of broken pieces. "Your cat got broken in the fight,  
Master. I've been meaning to see if I could fix it but just like  
almost everything else lately, I haven't had time to do that  
either. I'm sorry, Master, I know it was important to you."

Obi-Wan watched silently as Qui-Gon took the bowl, set it on his  
lap, and slowly ran his fingers through the pieces. Finding a  
large piece from the head with an intact ear, for several minutes  
Qui-Gon pensively ran a callused thumb along the broken edge,  
then up and down the pointed orange ear.

"Actually, Obi-Wan, the cat itself wasn't very important to me at  
all," said Qui-Gon eventually in a very low, soft voice. Still  
looking at the broken piece, he continued, "What was important to  
me was what the cat represented. The arts master told he how  
much of your own free time you had spent to get it `just right',  
as he put it. I know time to yourself tends to be a rare and  
precious commodity for the Jedi, especially with an old war horse  
like me for a Master who's always dragging you away on missions,  
and I was touched that you spent so much of your private treasure  
on me. When I couldn't have you with me on a mission, I took the  
cat to remind me of you." Qui-Gon dropped the piece into the  
bowl and set the bowl aside. He reached out to lay a hand on his  
apprentice's shoulder. "You are far more important and far more  
precious to me than any material possession."

Obi-Wan did not trust himself to speak as he felt his Master's  
hand move from his shoulder to riffle through his hair in a long  
familiar gesture of affection that just a few weeks ago he  
probably would have rejected as being `beneath his dignity'. He  
could feel his throat start to tighten a little with emotion.

"Obi-Wan, you asked me not so long ago to see you for what you  
are. That is a question that I have continued to wrestle with  
since then. Would you like to know how I see you now, my  
Padawan?"

"Actually, Master, after the things I've done lately, I would be  
happy just to know you still want me as your Padawan," said Obi-  
Wan, trying to defuse his emotions with an attempt at humor.

"Oh no, you're not going to get away nearly so easily, my  
Padawan. You still owe me extra duty and training hours, and  
there's a bit more learning I want to try to pound into that  
thick skull of yours," said Qui-Gon with a smile and a playful  
tap on the apprentice's forehead before leaning back on the couch  
and turning serious. The Master paused, then sighed softly  
before continuing. "I do have to admit it took me a while to  
understand and admit the truth of what I saw, because it meant  
that I had to admit that time has been passing much faster than I  
was willing to acknowledge. It also meant that I had to admit  
that someday I would have to let you move on to a new life, and  
that is a day I can not honestly say I am looking forward to.  
Obi-Wan Kenobi, when I look at you I see a beautiful young man,  
capable, caring and generous. I see an honest and honorable  
young man, hard working, intelligent, a fine warrior with an  
occasionally wicked sense of humor hidden under an all too  
serious exterior. I see one of the best Padawans in the Temple  
who will someday be a great Jedi Knight, a young man it has been  
my pleasure and honor to train, a young man of whom I am very  
proud. I also see a young man who is still growing, still  
struggling, who sometimes has to learn things the hard way, but  
who has indeed learned a lot along the way, and a young man who  
often punishes himself when he is wrong far more effectively than  
I can." Qui-Gon leaned forward, forearms resting across his  
knees, large hands dangling loosely. "Finally understanding that  
I missed so much about you for so long, I find I have another  
question I don't know how to answer any more. Tell me, Obi-Wan  
Kenobi, what do *you* see when you look in the mirror?"

Obi-Wan had been listening with growing astonishment and  
embarrassment. He could feel his face burning from the  
compliments but there was also a flicker of hope in his heart as  
he struggled to understand what his Master meant about not  
wanting to let him go. He pondered his Master's last question  
for several moments.

"If you had asked me that question a few months ago, Master, the  
answer would have been different from what it is today. Then I  
probably would have said that I was responsible, hard working and  
ready for more independence and responsibility but frustrated  
because you were still treating me like a boy when I felt like I  
was becoming a man. Today, I'd like to think that I still work  
hard but I've come to understand that I've still got a lot more  
to learn than I realized and true maturity doesn't necessarily  
have anything to do with how old you happen to be. Having to  
deal with Stravan also forced me to appreciate how much I value  
what you have taught me about what it means to be a Jedi and  
about doing your best just because it is the right thing to do."

Obi-Wan's heart was hammering in his chest as he worked up the  
courage to tell his Master how he really felt. Force knew when  
he might get another opportunity like this one, and if he didn't  
speak now he had a sneaking suspicion he would end up waiting  
until his Knighting day to bring it up again. He wet his lips  
and leaned forward to take Qui-Gon's hands in his.

"But do you want to know what I see most of all every day when I  
look in the mirror, Master? I see both the luckiest and  
unluckiest Padawan in the whole temple. The luckiest Padawan,  
that's because that Padawan has a wonderful Master, a great Jedi  
who cares for deeply for his apprentice and pushes that  
apprentice to be better than he thinks he could ever be. But I  
also see the unluckiest Padawan, because that Padawan is also a  
person who loves a man who doesn't know he exists, a man that he  
would die for, a man he never wants to be separated from."

The large hands he was clasping had tightened but not pulled  
away. Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon and saw that his Master was  
sitting as if frozen, barely breathing, dark blue eyes locked on  
the two pairs of hands in front of him.

"Obi-Wan," he whispered, then stopped. "You don't, you *can't*  
know what you're saying." Qui-Gon raised his eyes to look at his  
apprentice. "You could have almost anyone you want in the  
Temple, you shouldn't be wasting your time and affections on an  
old man like me. I thought we got all that straightened out when  
you were sixteen."

"The only thing that we got `straightened out' back then was that  
you thought I was too young to know what I was doing. It's been  
two years, Master. I've had a lot of time to think since then,  
and to examine the feelings I have for you. You were right about  
me when I was sixteen, what I thought was love was really a  
severe case of hero worship, but I have to come to know both of  
us a lot better since then, and I know that what I feel for you  
now is love. And to be honest, yes, I've had sex with others,  
partly because it felt good and partly because I thought you  
deserved better than inexperienced fumbling if you would ever let  
me be with you. But it's never been more than just physical  
attraction with anyone else, Master, I've never felt with anyone  
else the way I feel with you, the sense of connection and  
rightness just being with you, working with you, talking to you.  
There've been so many times I wanted to tell you how I felt, but  
I always held back because I thought you would just tell me again  
that I was too young. But you need to understand, Master, that  
was why I was so anxious for you to see that I was getting older,  
that I could be responsible and, well, more `grown up'. I know I  
made a hash of things in that area but I'm willing to pay the  
price for those mistakes as part of the cost of growing up. But  
all this time I have been struggling with how I could get you to  
understand that what I feel for you is real and not just a  
childish infatuation. I do love you, Qui-Gon Jinn, not just as a  
Padawan should love and respect his master, but as one person to  
another."

Qui-Gon had closed his eyes and was pale. "Obi-Wan, we  
shouldn't. You still have years of training ahead of you and it  
is very difficult to keep a personal relationship from  
interfering with the Master-Padawan relationship."

Obi-Wan was encouraged that Qui-Gon had not rejected him outright  
and pressed his advantage. "I understand that it can be  
difficult, but there are many who have done it, who are balancing  
those commitments right now. We already have a stronger than  
usual bond and a good working relationship. I believe that we  
are both strong enough to make it work if you will give us a  
chance."

Qui-Gon slipped down from his seat to kneel on the floor, knee to  
knee with his apprentice, large hands still clasped within the  
smaller but already well callused hands. "Obi-Wan, when you  
challenged me to see you, I also had to look at the way I felt  
about you. I realized that I have loved you in many ways,  
father, teacher, and these last few years, as a trusted friend  
and fellow warrior. But there has long been a special place in  
my heart which I have kept hidden away, refusing to acknowledge  
it or even look at it, thinking to save it for the day when I  
might meet someone so special I would want to spend my life with  
them. When I came to examine my feelings for the young man who  
had appeared seemingly overnight under my very nose, I found that  
you had already slipped in and filled that place without my  
knowing it. Finding you has been the greatest joy of my life,  
and difficult as some of our days together have been, I would not  
give up a single one. I have dedicated my life to you, to making  
you a Jedi Knight, but now you also have my heart, Obi-Wan  
Kenobi, to take or to break. I can not stop you from doing  
either and since I don't understand what you see in this tired  
old Jedi, I am afraid of what the future might hold for us."

"What I see is the man under the Jedi robe, a gentle man, a  
strong man who uses that strength to help others, a man who  
fights for what he believes is right even when it gets him in  
trouble. I want to love you and be with you forever, not to hurt  
you. I know neither of us is perfect, I have certainly learned  
that the hard way, and I know I have a lot more to learn. I'm  
not saying it will be easy, but I have faith that we can do it.  
I believe in you, Master, and I believe in what I feel for you.  
But I swear, Qui-Gon Jinn, if you start spouting that nonsense  
about being old again, I'm going to smack you."

That finally got a smile on the Jedi Master's face and Obi-Wan  
took advantage of the opportunity to lean across and touch his  
lips lightly to Qui-Gon's. For a brief moment he thought the  
older man would stop him, but after a short hesitation Qui-Gon  
returned the chaste kiss.

After only a few seconds Qui-Gon pulled back, his face now  
flushed and his breathing heavy. He put his hands on his  
apprentice's shoulders and held him at arms length. "Obi-Wan,"  
he whispered, "I don't know if I can do this. Can this really be  
true?"

"Master, it is true. Let me show you, see not just me but see  
what I have come to see, feel what I have come to feel," said  
Obi-Wan. The young man took a calming breath, then lowered his  
shields until they were totally transparent.

The vision revealed to the Master transfixed him. In the  
darkness, a single light, a brilliant diamond sculpture lit from  
within of a tall figure in a Master's robe, hair flowing, light  
saber raised and glowing. The figure stood majestically on a  
tall stand, light reflecting from its pristine surface. A small  
flame sprang up and danced around the base, flickering as it paid  
homage. Moving closer, the diamond was revealed to be ice, ice  
that suddenly fractured as the light within roared to a blinding  
inferno then just as suddenly subsided to a large flame, the  
fractured and melting ice almost drowning the small flame in a  
flood of embarrassment and humiliation. For a long time, Qui-  
Gon's gaze was fixed on the large flame, a flame which  
occasionally ebbed and guttered as its orange-red edges danced  
around its yellow heart. Eventually, a small but determined  
yellow flame blossomed from the red embers which had remained  
after the flood. The small flame grew, bit by bit, as it crept  
slowly across the blackness toward the larger fire. Qui-Gon  
noticed that as the small flame grew larger and drew closer, both  
began to change. The fire within each became hotter, burning  
cleaner and straighter. To be certain, the edges were still  
ragged and imperfect, flickering in their somber reds and  
passionate oranges, but in the end there were two flames with  
hearts of a brilliant blue-white, the shorter flame reaching for  
the taller, leaning but held back by an invisible barrier.

"Do you see, Master, do you understand now?" asked Obi-Wan  
softly. "What I feel for you is real, no more illusions of false  
perfection but true feelings tempered by time. I love the  
goodness that is within you, not the bold Jedi warrior and  
diplomat the rest of the galaxy sees, and I want us to join, to  
be together as one. Teach me of love, and joy, and how to please  
you, as you have me taught me so much else in my life. Let me  
love you, Qui-Gon Jinn, let the flames be as one."

Qui-Gon did not answer immediately but instead drew the younger  
man up to sit beside him on the couch. Reaching up with his  
right hand, he slowly drew a trembling fingertip uncertainly down  
along the side of his apprentice's face, then traced the edges of  
his lips.

"This is a very serious thing that you are asking us to  
undertake, my Obi-Wan. I will not rush this; we will only go as  
fast as the Force wills and I will not hurt you. You must be  
prepared to overcome impatience and to defer our personal  
feelings to the demands of our duties as Jedi. Our personal  
feelings must also give way when necessary to our Master-Padawan  
relationship. There are many adjustments both of us will need to  
make along the way to making this love come true. Are you  
prepared to do this, to wait when we must, to learn as we both  
grow, and to endure the inevitable pain of growing and living, my  
Obi-Wan?"

"What I feel is real and is worth waiting for and working for. I  
know I am still young, Master, but I willingly commit myself to  
you for as long as you will have me, for as long as it takes. I  
ask you again, guide me on this path, let me love you, Qui-Gon  
Jinn, let the flames be as one."

Drawing a deep breath, Qui-Gon gathered the young man into his  
arms and held him in a close embrace, lowering his shields so the  
apprentice could see what lay beneath.

"Yes, my Obi-Wan," he whispered as the flames joined and leapt  
upward in joyful communion, warming them both.

 

finis


End file.
